Making video games might seem like a sweet gig when you’re in junior high, when games are nothing but rocket launchers and hollering racial slurs on Xbox Live. But it’s actually super hard work, and not everybody can do it. Not simply cheapo indie games get released in a garbage state. Even the biggest-budget titles can wind up more as cautionary narrative than quality amusement. For example …
Jurassic Park: Trespasser Tried A Novel User Interface: Breasts !
Trespasser was a 1998 PC game with a then-new conception: a completely minimalist player interface, with all information filtering through the character’s own body. This did not work as intended. For instance, instead of a health meter, you kept track of your vitality via a heart-shaped tattoo on the character’s tits. It was 1998, and we hadn’t learned proper dishonor yet.
Electronic Arts Or how to draw boobs.
Astute readers may have already spotted their own problems: You could only see the tattoo by seeming down, meaning you were constantly taken out of the game to ogle your own cleavage. A farther problem: You had to be able to see said tits whenever you glanced downward, and that got in the way of spotting vital ledges, items, and adversaries. Say what you want about Lara Croft, but her ample bosom likely never got her devoured by a velociraptor.
The dinosaurs themselves were a big selling phase of video games. They were supposed to have advanced enemy AI, acting like real, deadly animal hunters instead of mindless meat marionettes for the player to shoot at. Here are a few such realistic hunters on the prowl 😛 TAGEND
Electronic Arts * Cue John Williams *
It’s hard to be afraid of an enemy that gets itself caught in a wooden fencing, then forgets about you while you’re still standing there. Incidentally, that’s the same reason they stopped constructing Halloween movies for a while.
Electronic Arts “Clever girl” wasn’t meant to be sarcastic.
Nobody Really Wanted To Make Foreigners: Colonial Marines
SEGA released Aliens: Colonial Marines in 2013. It was a bold property that sought to explore what happens when the always-terrifying xenomorphs stop being horrifying and start get funky .
Sega Xenomorphs invented spin class.
It’s not like this was a rush chore. They had seven years to work on this game. Yet Colonial Marines operates the gamut of terrible game features — crappy AI, buggy gameplay, awkward movement …
Sega It’s are seeking to sneak out of the game.
Shockingly, this wasn’t wholly SEGA’s fault, but instead … Gearbox Software? No, the folks who attained the amazing Borderlands series? What the hell happened? Oh no wait, it wasn’t Gearbox, it was TimeGate Studios, who …
OK, we ensure their own problems. Nobody making this game actually wanted to make this game.
Sega And no one wanted to play it.
SEGA didn’t even want a ogre game. They wanted Call Of Duty , but in space. Gearbox didn’t want to attain Call Of Duty in space; they wanted to build Mad Max in space, which they did … with the money they “reappropriated” from this title. And TimeGate Studios … ah, who cares what they wanted? They were the patsy get stuck with the pouch. All three developers pulled video games in at least three different directions until the whole thing flew apart, spewing acidic blood everywhere like a nightmare pinata. And then they still released it .
Sonic ‘0 6 Was Never Supposed To Be A Sonic Game
Sonic the Hedgehog has had it rough since the Dreamcast died. For a long time there, it seemed impossible to make a 3D Sonic game that wasn’t a crime against eyeballs. Just take a look at the 2006 Sonic The Hedgehog 😛 TAGEND
Sega Guess which drug the character is doing in each GIF.
In a series infamous for coasting on nostalgia and furry fan art, Sonic ‘0 6 still manages to stand out as an exceptional tragedy. It’s like the worst defendant at a war crimes trial — everyone there is a monster, sure, but this was the guy wearing a necklace of human genitalia.
Sega Result? Disappointment.
It was all bolt right out of the gate. The project wasn’t originally intended to be a Sonic game at all, but the developing squad got charged with the reboot, and they pretty much mashed everything together. Which might explain some of the bizarre interspecies romance on display.
Sega But not all … You got problems, Sonic franchise.
The developers also had to program for two new consoles at the same time, neither of which they had any experience working with. In the middle of that mess, Yojiro Ogawa, the group’s director, kind of wandered off with half the team to start Sonic And The Secret Rings ( which was also a giant steaming flop, but for totally different reasons ). Stuck with little experience, insurmountable hurdles, and half a squad, well … it didn’t assist when SEGA demanded a finished game by Christmas 2006. That’s how we wound up with …
… and …
Was the other property they mashed this together with an Exorcist game?
Silent Hill HD Was Broken Because Konami Threw Away The Original Code
Silent Hill HD objective up being scaring for reasons wholly unrelated to its sexually charged satanic imagery.