Anger, Compassion, and What It Means To Be Strong | Russell Kolts | TEDxOlympia

Anger, Compassion, and What It Means To Be Strong | Russell Kolts | TEDxOlympia

Translator: nirmin alhashoum Checker: Emad Alnaime So I’m a psychiatrist. (Laughter) Many of my work involves the use of empathy-based therapy To help people deal with feelings like anger. Anger can be a difficult feeling to deal with Because it’s a feeling that has a strong impact on us. So even when we see that our anger is out of control It causes us a lot of problems in our lives and in our relationships Maybe we refuse to give it up. We love to feel control And we like to feel strong, That’s why I think we are If we really can commit ourselves By dealing with feelings like anger, We must discover new ways to make us strong This is where sympathy comes into play. My career started using empathy to deal with anger Already when my son was born, And I began to see the impact of my anger on my family.

As you can see, I had what you might call a passive or troubled mood. One way to understand mood is the idea that some people are born With the possibility to easily deal with some feelings. I think some of you are very calm And tend to take things simply They don’t feel too provocative when things don’t go the way they want. If you like it, which is by the way your best. (Laughter) That’s good, it’s good to be But others will have a different life experience. Some of you, for example, may have a more turbulent mood. You often notice that you feel uncomfortable It comes easily – “hesitantly” – and sometimes very powerful.

If you like it, by the way, don’t punish yourselves for it. It’s not your fault, And I mean it, it’s not your fault. We can’t choose what our mood is, But if we want to have a happy life and good relationships, We must take responsibility to deal with what we have. Part of what I should deal with is anger and discomfort. I really had that idea when my son was 3 months old, I was at home taking care of him one day, And I had a lot of work that I wanted to finish so badly that day. The fathers in your midst will not be surprised to know that on this particular day My son took an hour and a half more than usual To sleep his morning nap. I remember he finally fell asleep And I put it gently in bed and left the room on my fingertips, The moment I entered the other room and sat down to work ……… began to cry. The sound of crying made me angry. I gathered all my strength So I don’t rush through the corridor and stand by the bed and scream “Why don’t you just sleep?” Fortunately this did not happen, but something else happened.

The intensity of anger that I felt because my baby son He did nothing but he did not sleep The moment I wanted him to sleep She woke me up strongly And I realized that if I’d be The father that I wanted my son to have, I must find a solution to deal with my anger. It turns out now That there really are many effective ways to control anger, And it’s true that if you’re angered, There are some effective methods you can use. The hard part is to make people accept the use of these methods. It is not easy or fun to recognize You are having problems with anger and committing yourself to working on them. Let me ask you a question: Have you ever said or done something because of anger? And you caused great pain to more than you love? Me too. How do you feel when you admit it to yourself? Do you find yourself willing to take that experience? Or to stay away from it and never wait for it? Being angry can make you feel too lonely.

Think about it. When we see someone confused, what do we want to do ?! We want to approach him and reassure him. When we see a sad person, we want to get close to him and comfort him. What do you want to do when you see someone? Angry and hostile? You want to stay away from him as much as possible, right? Of course you will want to, we all will, and this is part of what anger does. It pushes people away, But what this means Is that you or the person is suffering from anger You may get used to seeing people moving away from you Because they don’t want to be next to you, This is cruel. For me though I felt the power of anger inside me, When I thought deeply about them I found out that it lies behind this anger Lots of other additional fragile feelings and feelings My fear of being unable to control my feelings, The sadness that I act in a way Different from what I want to be, And my shyness to see more of the people I love They act with me very carefully For fear of saying or doing something random that might make me explode, Faced with all these scary things, I did what many do And ignore them.

I just tried not to feel distracted Blame others and make excuses, right? And with time I discovered through experience That there is growing scientific research that explains that Dealing with difficult feelings by ignoring them It doesn’t work, but it will often make things worse. Now being a good parent was important to me At this stage, I took a decisive stand on the way we academics do No I started …… “reading” !!!!!. (Laughter) One of the books I read about His Holiness was the Dalai Lama of Tibet, In that book, I saw a vision of the person I wanted to be And to the Father whom I wished to be. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a goal to be a leader of a world religion, But he had that courage, wisdom, kindness and compassion. As you can see, empathy involves allowing yourself Affected by the suffering of others Or even the suffering that we, Experience commitment and willingness to help To erase this suffering.

Empathy begins with courage, The courage to face what makes us uncomfortable, And sometimes the courage to face What scares us most in ourselves. Empathy curved way to deal with my anger, Not by avoiding it and ignoring it But confront it. Not by denouncing him, but by kindness and commitment to do the best. And with time I discovered That when I stopped blaming others for my anger And torturing myself because of him, I was able to use many of these effective means to control anger That I told you earlier, Over time I was able to help others to do the same. Now be a party. If this sounds easy to you, let me tell you it wasn’t. For me, my confession is that I have problems with anger and dealing with it feels like I am Frodo (character in a film) as he walks in Mordo (a dangerous place). (Laughter) It was ugly and frightening and I didn’t think I could succeed so many times.

But I discovered with time The more you face it, the easier it becomes The more you become stronger. After a while All those feelings are no longer scary It began to become normal human feelings that we can acknowledge and deal with. Let’s try a quick exercise, please. I would like to remind you of a situation you have encountered recently, Or when you were feeling very angry Sadness, fear, shame or whatever you suffer from, And while you remember your suffering in that situation Try to see empathy As if it’s about someone you care about and want to help, Look if you can see Those strong thoughts and feelings that you had back then Not as something wrong with you Rather, they are natural human reactions to their difficulty in facing them.

If you are at your best At the top of goodness, wisdom and courage And empathy How would you understand what was happening then? If you can go back and whisper to yourself In your weak state, in that situation, Any support and encouragement you will be provided To help yourself to do best at that moment While facing that difficulty? You see? This is empathy. If you are interested in developing this sympathy At every moment of your lives You can try three things, a good start: The next time you see yourself filled with anger and shame Or any other feelings you experience, Rather than acting toward those feelings Deny, avoid, or punish yourself, What if you took a moment To acknowledge sympathy for what is happening inside you? To notice: “Wow, I’m really angry now, I am really suffering and this is really difficult.

” This is the first command. The second thing at that moment: Find out if you can take a moment to slow things down Take a minute or two to breathe slowly Slowing the body may help to slow the mind. Anger tries to convince us that we have to act right away, But we should not believe it. We can take a moment Or try to balance our feelings first and then deal with the situation. Now this may seem very unlikely, But let me tell you I used empathy-based therapy To deal with men sentenced to decades in prison, many for violent crimes It is true that when I wandered in prison I look like this And I talk about empathy I was initially ridiculed, But over time these men discovered what I learned It is that extreme anger inside them It was often a way to escape Of more fragile feelings like sadness and shame, And that empathy gave them a way to deal with all that, Not only did these men stop dealing with anger Rather, they began to look for ways to support each other Then they started pondering the world and asking more questions: Questions like how can I help people abroad? So they don’t end up here.

Even from prison how can I help? If they can, we can. This is the real power. This is empathy. Thanks. (clap) .