Getting in shape is hard. It’s time devouring. It’s uncomfortable. You sweat. It’s, like, a whole thing.
And like you, I don’t feel like doing it. My schedule is very inundated between bingeing on “Top Chef, ” profoundly investigating my hairline and thinking about starting a blog.
Unfortunately, there is a widely spread andpopular opinion that, as humen, we should always be striving to better ourselves, and one thing we can do to live longer and happier lives is get in shape.
But Jamie, this runs exactly against what we just “was talkin about a”, ” you might tell. “And I don’t wishes to. And I might start a blog soon.
I know. Fear not. I’ve put together a list of tips-off and tricks that make it looklike you’re get into shape, when truly, you don’t have to change a damn thing about your awesome, perfect, lazy routine.
1. Sports bra+ pony tale+ sneakers= instant SoulCycle instructor.
Dressing the part of someone who is in shape is literally 90 percent of being shape. The other 10 percent is side planks from what we can tell.
2. Get a spray tan.
Contouring your newborn rolls builds them go from flab to fab-ish.
Everyone knows pale, pasty wintertime scalp is a super common for someone who doesn’t work on themselves. Tan pudge is like the cool, older sister to pale pudge.It wears lots of eye shadow and smokes cigarettes by the motorcycle rack, if you know what we’re saying.
Plus, it’s like, if no one is there to see you do the crunches, then did the crunches evenexist?
3. Carry around a very expensive water bottle.
No one buys expensive water bottles if they don’t have something to prove on the elliptical.Stocking up on cool, pricey gear sends out a message to everyone that you invest in your personal fitness journey.
You wouldn’t expend $35 on a glass water bottle decked out with LED lighting, rearview mirrors and batteries included if you didn’t mean business on a stationary bike, am I right?
4. Get a haircut.
This maintains people guessing what’s different about you.Distract distract distract.
If you are able to, get one of those infuriating haircuts that looks like maybe nothing happened to your head, but something definitely didhappen to your head. Then, when people ask what’s different about you, you are able to casually state that you’ve lost 15 pounds and gained half an inch of muscle around your biceps.
They’llbe none the wiser.
5. Leave supplements around your apartment.
Having a giant bathtub of protein on top of your fridge can only mean one thing.
Stocking up on and displaying fitness foods and supplements is a telltale symptom of a gym rat. If you want to be like a gym rat, you have to stagelike a gym rat.
6. Whenever possible, run bananas into the conversation.
Exclusive fitness tip: Bananas help the body avoid cramping. Drop that little truth bomb into a convo and watch people lose their minds.
People LOVE fitness facts, and this one is particularly good because if they google it, it’s true. This constructs you the health whisperer of happy hour.
7. Up your social media game. #bodygoals #fitness #ripped #lululemon
Reshare, tag and post any and all images you insure considering health, fitness, the gym or yoga lots and lots of yoga.
In fact, simply post pictures of people doing yoga in nature, and people will believe you fabricated the damn thing. It’s a natural phenomenon. We don’t know why it runs. It just does. #namaste #zen
8. Fake an injury.
Having a cast is a perfect reason to not show up to the gym.
Use the guide below based on your personal fake sportspreferences to find your personal fake trauma 😛 TAGEND
If you’re a fake tennis player or baseball player, your fake trauma is torn rotator cuff
If you’re a fake football player, football player or basketball player, your fake trauma is torn achilles tendon
If you’re a fake dancer or yogi, your fake injury is busted knee
If you’re a fake runner, your fake trauma is shin splints
If none of the above applies to your fake fitness activity of selection, just say you threw out your back and enjoy three months on your couch being left alone
9. Wear a giant, oversized coat at all times.
No one can argue you have a disgusting, unhealthy body if they can’t see your disgusting unhealthy body.
10. Take a year to backpack around Europe.
Give everyone some time to forget what you really look like.
Once you’re back from a truly enlightening, life-changing experience, your inner spirit will glow so bright that the general public will be blinded looking at you and never recognize your totally normal, very average, just fine papa bod or mom butt. It’s what’s on the inside that counts .*
* Unless you are a celebrity, politician or actual fitness teacher. In this case, we recommend eating right and regular exert, because candidly, you’re sort of eternally doomed to a life of judgment, inspection and outrageous criteria. Sorry.