We open this weeks with Shep walking some random girls out of his apartment because he had to go crabbing. I was gonna make a crabs joke but I feel like it’s low-hanging fruit. Oh, BTW and before you ask , no I am not recapping I’m sorry, I lived in Georgia and even IDGAF about this shit. Not to mention I’m not sure my brain would retain normal functioning after two straight hours of So I’m gonna bow out for my health. Anyway, let’s get into this week’s in the only city that are important, Charleston.
Shep has liver inflammation and hes like Is there anything I can do to combat this? Besides giving up alcohol?
Like damn, I went out 4 nights a week in college and my liver is fine so how much does Shep genuinely drink? Really puts
my alcoholism things into perspective.
Whitney rolls up to Patricias house to tell her that Thomas is worried hes losing his mojo. GOOD. The last thing this father of two illegitimate child requires is more mojo. Cut his mojo off. Give him a mojo-sectomy.
Craig shows up to his appointment with Cameran late. Hes trying to get an investment property and other adulting shit I don’t understand.
Watching Craig look at these apartments be like watching an episode of. I play harmonicas on the side of the street for money. I want a mansion in downtown Charleston thats 30,000 square feet with granite countertops and hardwood floors and my budget is $200.
Craig literally says So I want to put an offer down in two weeks and my savours are going to change. Soooo you have unrealistic expectations and no notion what you want, is what youre saying.
After commercial Kathryn calls Shep and shes like Im going to yoga Ill meet you after and Shep is like yoga, can I come? “
Shep: * stops drinking for one day* I am an icon of health. Im going to do yoga and align my chakras.
Meanwhile Austen goes to Chelseas house. How the fucking do these people all live alone in their own separate houses? Am I in the wrong city?
Austen : I dont suppose anyone out there doesnt like brew. They merely havent had the right beer. Me :
In this case,* not* enjoy things, but you guys know what I mean.
Cameran is genuinely sticking to this weird voodoo thing and the doll is get its own chair. I AM SCARRED.
Shep shows up like What the hell is that? RT, Shep. If I went to lunch and ensure THAT thing staring at me Id is just like 😛 TAGEND
Shep has gone one meal without a drink. Hooray! This calls for gala! Let’s get some Champaoh wait.
Shep: I had an epiphany.
You didnt have an epiphany, Shep. You get specific physicians instructions to not drink. You cannot act like you came up with this on your own.
Of course for Cameran all roads lead to Shep being single. If Shep merely met somebody he would drink less. I feel like relationships can also cause alcoholism tho, at least if my grandparents’ marriage is any clue? Anyway, she’s still trying to induce Shep and Chelsea happen. Shelsea? Chep? I’ll work on that.
Shep: Chelseas hooking up with Austen tho.
Cameran : Women like to be hunted.
Shep is like “Yea no, I’m good tho she’s with somebody.” How the fuck is Shep more of a feminist than the actual woman at this table rn?
So Shep is supposed to leave some creepy-ass doll on Chelseas porch? Im calling the police.
FINALLY we are at Queen Patricias house for a dinner party. It has taken too fucking long.
Patricia is like Scheming a dinner party is easy. I just decide what I want all the help to cook and then they do all the work. Well…yeah. Things are generally easy when you don’t actually put in any of the work.
Craig is sewing pillow cases and hes low-key really good at embroidery. I am ashamed to admit that I’m turned on rn.
Naomie rolls through and Craig opens with I potentially bought a house today.
Naomie : I cant take you seriously at your sewing machine.
Im not sure if Naomie is right or if shes like that daughter who says shes blunt or brutally honest when she just employs it as an excuse to be an asshole.
Damn, Craig and Naomie didnt score the invite to Patricias. Thats gotta hurt. I know how you guys feelLandon invited me to Patricias next soiree and yet you will not assure me making a cameo on this seasons.
So Patricias entire intent for this dinner is to merely try to set Landon and Thomas up. That seems unnecessary. Like, put them in the same room with a lot of alcohol or somethingyou dont need this whole elaborate ruse.
Patricia rings this turtle bell and Michael comes in and shes like Are we ready to eat yet?
Michael: Ready when you are, Madam.
Inner Michael, probably: Hope you fucking die bitch.
I mean, IDK, I’d be resentful if I was a 70 -year-old butler who rang buzzers at me like I’m a damn animal, is all I’m saying.
Cameran : Setting Landon and Thomas up is a terrible idea.
Cameran 2 seconds later: So what about you, Thomas, are you dating anyone? What do you want in a woman? Someone like Landon, perhaps?
Or, a visual depiction in meme format 😛 TAGEND Cameran : Dont stir the pot. Also Cameran :
Whitney says I heard hes dumb in regards to Landons boyfriend. Spoken to the girl who wants to start a website without even knowing how to write content for a website.
Kathryn shows up to yoga and DAMN. Her ass is seeming huge in comparison to her waist. Good undertaking, girl. Please DM me your workout routine.
Shep shows up to this yoga class full of womenwhat are the odds hes gonna hit on everyone in the class?
Shep cant even follow bring your hands together, palms together like youre doing a prayer move. Theres a simile in there for you, how can you not get this?
Shep is like to Kathryn I havent been drinking for the last few days so I basically did what you did with this whole rehab thing.
Shep: * Makes one smoothie** calls his mommy about it*
Austen is having dinner with his parentsmy mothers would never agree to appear on a reality Tv showand Austen says no offense to my papa but my mommy is the matriarch of the family. Thats literally what matriarch meansnvm.
Austens talking about his undertaking and his mommies like OK cut the bullshit. Lets talk and this basically turns into the scene from where Hannahs mothers cut her off.
Austen : If youre asking me what I bring to the table I dont have anything to tell you.
Austen: I dont have a frickin business plan, MOTHER.
Real compelling argument. You sure indicated her!
This is the biggest bullshit ever, his parents are basically telling him that theyll subsistence his being an entrepreneur if all he does is think of a fucking idea. God damn it, I was born into the incorrect family.
Jennifer is having something called a sip and see. Whats that? Is that when you drink wine and paint shit? Is this like, a responsible thing to doinvite all your friends over to drink and then hold your newborn? Seems like a gigantic stroll liability, but what do I know? Im only 25 and an internet recapper who doesnt have any children.* frantically knockings on timber*
Naomie left Craig in the dust to go to this party and frankly I do not blame her. If your daughter is ready before you, you are doing something wrong. Is that sexist? Fuck it, its true.
Craig walks in and doesnt even say hi to his own girlfriend. I can feel the awkwardness through the screen.
THIS IS SUCH A STRANGE CONCEPT TO ME. Sip and consider. Is this like, the WASP-y equivalent of a baby naming, or like, a bris? Can someone help me out here?
Jennifer runs up to Craig like Hey Craig, why is everyone talking to you upstairs? And Craig is like Uhhh IDK you tell me? Come on, Jennifer, snitches get stitches.
THIS HOUSE IS FUCKING $ 183,000? Bruh, get me a plane ticket because I am moving to Charleston.
So it seems as though theres nothing more to this Jennifer/ Thomas alliance than the handkerchief exchange. This is fucking nuts.
Craig says hes dating a teenage girl because Naomie ventilates about their relationship to her friend? Wut?
Craig : Go ahead child, speak.
Wowwwwwwww I’m done.
Naomie : Are you kidding me?
Craig : You left me. How could you?
Yeah, such a betrayal. Not sure how Craig will ever learn to trust Naomie again.
Naomie: Because you induced me wait on you for 30 minutes.
Craig : No I wasn’t late. That’s fake news. You are fake news!
Craig’s like “Just remember, I never left you.” This is a reminder of when to all these children, singing a duet with someone is the highest form of cheating. Merely this is like … real.
Craig calls Naomie “a fucking moron” who “acts like a spoiled fucking child and airs[ their] dirty laundry” …. says the guy who is literally airing their dirty laundry on camera. Okay, Craig. OK. I didn’t wanna have to do this, but I believe I have to officially start the #CraigConoverIsOverParty. Trust me, Craigthis hurts me more than it hurts you.