4 Things That’ll Ruin Any One-Night Stand Before It Starts

Everyone enjoys sexuality, except for people who don’t, and that’s a fact you can define your watch by. Your sex watch ! And many of us are not above the idea of a hookup just for the thrill of it, because if you’re cool with it and they’re cool with it, screw anyone( not literally) who tries to magistrate you or suggest there are only certain relationships that are worthy of being sexual. If you’re not hurting anyone and they’re not hurting anyone, then kick it like rabbits and hump till you get a friction burn, is what my grandmother always said. But beware! You can cause serious damage to your humpability by falling victim to any of this tomfoolery.

4

Your Bathroom Is A Reflection Of Your Soul

No room in your home will ever be more honest than the bathroom. You can pretty up a living room with wall sconces and IKEA shelving, and you can use marble counter tops in the kitchen. But the bathroom, behind all the fluff, is the room where you sit bare-ass on a chair filled with water and expunge your waste. It’s as close to your soul as a room can get.

Because the bathroom is so honest, you must treat it like a drunk friend who knows too much: Be wary, for it will spill your secrets when you least expect it. Not out of malice, but simply because that is its nature. You may think you’re putting your best foot forward and really charming the literal pants off of someone, and then they excuse themselves to use the bathroom, at which point you have zero seconds left to stem the tide of what may follow. Is there filth-encrusted tissue sitting on top of your trash can? How about errant feminine hygiene products? Is the bowl clean, or is it decorated with a thin layer of ass spackle? Has anyone pissed on the wall and left drip marks that shine in the sun when you turn your head just so? Is there a hairy razor sitting on the side of the sink? Did you hang a wet pair of underwear over the shower rod? Is your hemorrhoid cream sitting outside? THERE ARE SO MANY QUESTIONS!

The one-night stand is a strictly impulsive decision based on your boner or lady boner’s insistence that you rub your groin on someone else’s until your brain nods in fervent arrangement. Both of them, and you at this point, will have forgotten if you bothered to tidy up the house. You will merely remember at the moment your new crotch-cuddler asks to use it, and at that point it’s too late to do anything about it. A solid rule of thumb is to give your bathroom a once-over every time you leave it. Look at it as if you were visiting someone else’s, and if anything induces you cringe, fix it before you leave.

jarmoluk/ Pixabay
If the believed to be wading through someone else’s groin shavings gives you pause, take care of it .

3

Your Kitchen Is As Important As Your Hygiene

You may be surprised to learn that I am not an immaculate homemaker. As it happens, I ascribe to the “If it’s in the house, it’s where it belongs” method of cleaning up more often than not. So generally, when it came to keeping the kitchen clean, as long as nothing was melting, festering or rusting, I was pretty confident that I had shit under wraps. This never gone over well when anyone came over and wanted to actually ingest anything other than their own fear. When your dishes form a squatter community across your counter and your fridge contains bags of soup, what you’re saying to other humans is “Hello, I’m a Morlock. I’ve merely escaped my subterranean lair and wish to mate with one of your kind. Our spawn will be raised in a Rubbermaid storage tub.”

Your home is a reflection of yourself. A super-tidy, immaculate home may be the sign of an anal-retentive neat freak, while the eye of a shit cyclone is indicative of someone who may employ baby wipes in lieu of raining. You want a happy medium that doesn’t offend yourself or others, because yes, people judge you. And rightly so. You deserve to be judged if your go-to style is squalor. I deserved to be judged, and judged I was. Do you know how much tail I missed out on as a result of my hapless disregard for cleanliness and organization? One. One whole tail. And that’s a lot for me. Do you think I’m up in here having all the sexes? I once wrote a piece about why life would suck for a zombie, because I have the time to consider what life would be like for a zombie, because I have nothing else going on except cleaning my kitchen.

2

The Drunken Stupor Is Merely Fun Until You’re Naked

I understand that a large portion of one-night stands are birthed at the bottom of a bottle of peach schnapps, and that’s fine. A little liquor goes a long way in attaining some people more humpable. But there is a limit. If either one of you is so sloppy drunk that you don’t know what you’re doing, then that’s a shit buffet with no sneeze guard. Sloppy drunkenness isn’t fun for anyone.

The issue of consent is something you need to be always aware of and must be respected of. But even if you both are of sound enough mind to agree that you want to slide your slipperies together, there comes a point in the night at which you can have too many delicious Tom Collins Slurpees. Even though inebriation might induce you more clever or honest or a better dancer in your own intellect, it also has a handful of drawbacks that tend to be the opposite of sexy. For instance 😛 TAGEND

1: Vomit

2: Unconsciousness

jarmoluk/ Pixabay

3: A hobble, lazy , no-good wiener.

All three of these outcomes are to sexuality what all three of those things are to anything — maybe with the exception of the limp wiener, a condition which doesn’t generally affect things like boiling an egg or Scrabble, unless you play it the way I do . But you get the idea. At some point, you need to know your limit and drink within it, or else face the terrible prospect of sitting on your bed, vomiting onto your own wobbly squish digit before passing out in your new friend’s lap.

1

Fossils Of Booty Past Are A Sexual Brick Wall

A general rule of thumb you want to follow when it comes to sex is always feigning you’ve never had sexuality before. Which isn’t to say that you need to act like a virgin trying to discover which flap fits into which orifice, but you do not need to acknowledge that you’ve savoured someone else’s genitals in that moment. Because, more often than not, the current person whose undercarriage you’re taste-testing doesn’t want to know what other wobbles you’ve gobbled. The more you remind someone else that you’ve boinked other people, the more they’re going to be worried about two key things: Are you comparing them to someone else, and do you bone so many other beings that you’re a stroll chlamydia salad with gonorrhea sprinkles and a side of Paul Newman’s non-GMO herb garmenting?

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It tastes like itching !

No one should care how many sex partners you’ve had , nor is it really their business. But you make it their business when you rub it in their face, literally or figuratively. Hopefully simply figuratively, but who am I to judge what turns you on?

Obviously, most of us don’t start an evening of seduction by saying something like “I’ve taken a real shine to your crotch, but the last five I jiggered were a little nicer.” Don’t say that. But you don’t need to say anything sometimes if you’ve truly fucked up your preparations. First and foremost, you’re going to want to not have a employed condom pretty much anywhere that it can be seen. That’s a surefire sign that you’re gross. A used condom has no choice but to be gross, and the closer it gets to you, the grosser it becomes, like a proximity mine of viscous, ropy repulsion. It’s a literal bag of biohazard, and if you see it in someone else’s home, it means they had it in and around where you’re trying to go, all squishies and glorpy in the promised land. That’s terrible. Objectively, it’s a good thing, as it means that your friend is responsible. But you’re not objective — you’re subjective, and you’re being subjected to a rubbery spooge sock within oozing distance. Gross.

If you collect panties, jock straps, bras, photos of ham wallets, butthole silhouettes, or any other kind of sexual trophies, make sure they’re in one of those dry cleaning bags or something else no one is going to look in. People who collect sex trophies are too much like serial killers for anyone’s convenience. You conquered something and needed a creepy reminder of it that merely appeals to you but when anyone else sees it, they’re worried you’re going to put a tarp down and start playing Huey Lewis.

Even if the condom isn’t use, you’re going to want to keep your birth control out of sight in general as well. If you have a fishbowl full of condoms or an IUD-of-the-week rack, it takes person out of the moment. By all means, have those things, but keep them in a drawer. Imagine grandma coming over and mistaking your birth control pills for Tic Tacs, the way so many sexually clueless boob in direct-to-video slapsticks do. You don’t want to live with that on your conscience. It’s not about being a prude or conceal who you are. It’s just about tact and considering the feelings of other people who have to see your utilized condom homunculus trying to birth itself from the ooze-encrusted waste basket, and must decide whether they should flee in silence or whilst emitting terrified screams.

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Coat Hangers And ODs: Life Before Abortion Was Legal

The government didn’t clamp down on a woman’s right to choose until the 1880 s, and by the 1950 s and 1960 s, abortion was about the most illegal it’s ever been. By the time of Roe v. Wade in 1973, the laws were already loosen, and abortion was differing tints of “legal” in 17 nations. Now, in 2017, the U.S. determines itself with a very anti-choice administration. In 2016, 19 nations passed laws curtailing abortion access to their women. We wanted to know what life looks like for women when abortion is illegal, so we sat down with two who received illegal abortions back in the 1950 s and 60 s. They’ve both spent years interviewing other survivors: Fran Johns wrote a book, and Dorothy Fadiman made an Oscar-nominated documentary. Here’s what they told us…

5

The “DIY Method” Of Abortion Is Absurdly Dangerous

Dorothy Fadiman had an abortion in 1962, while she was attending class at Stanford University. It was very much illegal — the abortion , not Stanford — and it cost her 600 old-timey dollars( approximately $8,000 in modern money ). It also left her hemorrhaging blood so badly that she had to seek emergency medical care. Prior to get pregnant, Dorothy didn’t even know abortion was “A Thing.” When we asked her about the country of 1950 s sexuality ed, she told us 😛 TAGEND

“Basically it didn’t exist, if anything they told us about our body parts but we didn’t learn how not to get pregnant, if we did get pregnant, what if any choices we had…”

Education like this charmer from the 50 s that literally doesn’t mention sex once .

Birth control was pretty restriction back then. And by “limited” we mean that Dorothy would’ve had to rob a pharmacy merely to get a condom. Consider, at the time, “birth control for unmarried women was illegal. Only married women could get an IUD inserted. And men could buy condoms. But if a man didn’t want to use a condom…”

Prior to her unplanned pregnancy, Dorothy wasn’t what the kids bellow “woke.” Almost no one was back then. “We were so un-liberated. We were not even aware of what our rights were, and that we had the ability to insist … I didn’t insist, I didn’t know I had the right to insist that a human should wear a condom.”

Fran Johns had an illegal abortion in 1956. At the time, she also wasn’t truly aware of the concept of an abortion 😛 TAGEND

“It was something that never intersected my intellect. Y’know, we didn’t have sex education in schools and when I was growing up there was no such thing … but when I saw myself pregnant after a really not happy hour, I just knew I couldn’t carry a baby … it was just beyond unthinkable. And, um, I couldn’t tell anybody … I had a sister who was just a year ahead of me in school and “were in” joined at the hip. I would not have told her. She died never knowing that story.”

In our modern world, with condoms raining from the sky, and IUDs growing from every tree ( Ed. Note: where do you live, writer? It sounds scaring .) Dorothy might not have gotten pregnant in the first place( free family planning is the easiest way to reduce abortion rates ). But Fran’s case is different. She was raped by her boss. He was an oil industry executive, and it happened at a fancy ‘5 0s-style party. It was the ‘5 0s. Everything was ‘5 0s-style.

“The idea of rape was also something you would never never mention to your best friend. I know it happened all the time. It had to have been pretty common in those days. But you simply didn’t mention it. You didn’t talk about it.”

Fran panicked when she got pregnant, and her first instinct was a drug overdose. She decided to use paregoric, an opiate, to try and abort the baby.

“It was over the counter … I entail, I gave my children a tiny teaspoon of paregoric sometimes, as a sedative. I remember having it in the house. And so one of the old wives’ tales was that would do it. There were several other things you drank. Mostly though, it was falling down or inserting things to try to precipitate the abortion.”

One woman Fran interviewed for her book had use boric acid to induce an abortion. She had to be hospitalized, and was rendered permanently sterile. The ol’ “acid in the vagina” move was pretty common among young women in pre-Planned Parenthood days.

“I think that was fairly common, yes … I suppose a lot of women did wind up sterile.”

Fran’s home remedy didn’t work, and Dorothy opted not to take the DIY route. But while she was interviewing women for her documentary, she ran into women who reported using…

“A number of different herbs and substances, ranging from dangerous to effective. For instance, pennyroyal, ginseng, linseed oil.”

Most of that doesn’t audio too bad, but pennyroyal can actually cause liver failure and “cardiovascular collapse” which voices just as scaring as it actually is. Good task, Medical Naming Conventions.

“Women would put themselves in scalding water or freezing water. They would eat the fungus ergot. And all of these things had dangers.”

For example, ergot poisoning can cause gangrene and build your legs rot off. And then, of course, there was the infamous coat hanger. Fran explained 😛 TAGEND

“The coat hanger was just easy, everybody had one and you could straighten it out. You thought you were going to puncture this embryo and what happened more often is you got yourself terribly infected or you punctured something else.”

If the future does insure more females lose abortion access, Fran and Dorothy both expect “home remedies” like these to be much more common than they were the last time around. Thanks to the internet, obviously. Fran said 😛 TAGEND

“I believe the illegal abortionist may reappear on “the member states national” scene. but I suppose girls may try to self-abort by getting medications … The problem there is that they have to be taken properly, and you can also do damage to yourself if they’re not.”

One Dorothy thinks is a likely candidate is called Mifepristone, or RU-4 86. It’s an actual abortion pill, and it requires no prescription to purchase. But it’s not as desirable as the morning after pill, which actually stops ovulation and avoids the whole abortion thing. One problem 😛 TAGEND

“It requires at least theoretically a doctor’s prescription. Now if a woman does not have access to a doctor, does not have the money for a doctor’s visit … she may try to order it online in different ways, and as I’m sure you know these things can always be managed.”

RU-4 86 can be purchased off the Internet, but it’s genuinely the sort of thing you want to take the right way, with the relevant recommendations of a doctor and not Google. People can die from this stuff. And in other countries that criminalize abortion, off-label employ of mifepristone has become incredibly common. And remember what we said about home redress. If abortion access keeps getting limited, as Fran predicted 😛 TAGEND

“There will be online places that will offer abortifacients. And online, it doesn’t mean it’s any safer than it was before.”

We’ve assured the internet. We work for the internet. We would not trust the internet with our bodies.

4

There Used To Be An Underground Abortion Railroad … Run By The Clergy

To set it in words we can understand: The religion right is the Death Star, and the Rebel base on Yavin IV is, like … safe and legal abortion. In the modern U.S ., abortion rights have no foes like coordinated( some) religion. But back before Roe v. Wade , coordinated religious people ran an underground abortion railroad.

Fran explained 😛 TAGEND

“A woman would go to her pastor and say, I require assistance. And he … would connect her with this group. They might give her the money to go on a bus and go to Canada … or to Mexico, if they were in the south. And sometimes they would help her get a legal abortion in, tell, New York where you could plead your occurrence, you could go to a hospital and explain to a panel of 2-3 physicians why you needed to end this pregnancy … so there were a variety of things that they did.”

It’s hard to imagine it now, but many of the clergymen and pastors of Dorothy and Fran’s era were well aware of the carnage caused by dangerous home legal remedies and back alley abortionists. They knew that thousands of girls were dying and, as Dorothy explained 😛 TAGEND

“The clergy decided that what they would do is find people they trusted and they would then recommend girls to these people. And the route they found they could be trusted is they were working with women who would go to these the physicians and see if the facilities were clean, see if they could be trusted, see if they treated girls respectfully, see if their fee … was considered fair, and if the clergy found that women came back with reports that … this person would be trusted, then they would send girls to these individuals.”

Granted, the clergy who did this weren’t exactly stuffy old clergymen. Take Reverend Howard Moody, who generated the Clergy Consultation Service in 1967, starting with a group of 20 ministerial and rabbis that helped females secure abortions. Moody got his start in activism handing out cookies to prostitutes, and moved to the underground abortion railroad in 1957. Later in life, Moody wound up providing outreach to AIDS patients. His activism helped inspire the creation of similar clerical groups who, all told, helped at least 20,000 women receive safe abortions.

But remember that 200,000 is the low objective annual estimate for illegal abortions at the time. The underground abortion railroad helped 10 percent of those women, and that’s not nothing — but leaving 90 percent of women “just wingin’ it” isn’t precisely a record our country should be proud of.

3

You Had To Worry About The Doctor As Much As The Procedure

Dorothy got a comparatively “good” illegal abortion, which entails “she didn’t die.” It was still terrible: She was blindfolded through the whole process, and afterwards, “I began to hemorrhage and objective up on the intensive care ward of Stanford hospital with a fever of 105 and septicemia.” Fran’s abortion also led to days of bleeding, but it was still relatively good.

“He was in it for the money. But he apparently was at least careful enough that I didn’t wind up with sepsis.”

Her abortion provider didn’t blindfold her for the procedure, but he did expend hours driving around like a movie snoop in order to throw off any possible tail.

“Back-alley abortionists were subject to prosecution, were often prosecuted … so it was understandable that the guy I encountered was being exceedingly cautious.”

In all her interviews with survivors of illegal abortions, as well as with some doctors who treated females that didn’t survive theirs, Fran found that the primary deciding factor between a “good” underground abortion and a “bad” one was plain ol’ money.

“It was an economic issue. Among women with fund, it would be a lot easier to find some sympathetic doctor who was taking hazards by performing abortions. Or who would do it in a hospital and write it up as an appendectomy. But that was an upper class thing. It was, you had to know somebody and you had to be fairly enlightened. I was not enlightened. I didn’t know anybody.”

If you were a poor, pregnant daughter in pre- Roe v. Wade America 😛 TAGEND

“I would say there was slim to no chance that you would find, say, a compassionate physician who was doing it in a hospital.”

Not merely did poor women have higher odds of succumbing during the procedure, they also risked being raped by their abortionist. Sometimes a blowjob might earn you a partial refund, other times the perpetrator was just procure in the knowledge that any woman who turned him in would not only be admitting to a crime but also ruining her reputation.

Fran noted 😛 TAGEND

“Several girls did tell me tales, route route after the fact. None of them have reported it. Probably half a dozen females told me stories of being assaulted. And none had tried to do anything about it.”

We’ll never have any kind of statistics for how many back alley abortionists were rapists, how many were decent people providing a service, and how many were just purely incompetent. But the widely and fatally differing quality in practitioners meant…

2

Volunteers Created Huge, Illegal Charities To Help Women In Need

From 1969 until Roe v. Wade in 1973, a group of women in Chicago ran a feminist abortion “referral and counseling centre.” They collectively called themselves Jane. Fran explained 😛 TAGEND

“They stood on street corners and held out booklets, and they taught each other how to perform abortions, and they did it in very safe situations … and they didn’t have a clinic, or anything. They utilized apartments. And so I’m guessing the apartment was probably just donated. And I think there was very little cost involved. I don’t think there was any fiscal structure, at the least , not that I know of.”

Dorothy told us about another volunteer who was basically a one-person abortion network. His name is Doctor Curtis Boyd. She called him “one of the most humane, most successful doctors” of the epoch. He performed thousands of abortions, and he’s still alive today. Dorothy interviewed him decades ago for her documentary, and gave us permission to use his quotes. They dedicate an insight into just how frightening it was to be a good physician trying to provide abortion services back then.

“I knew that I could lose my medical license, I knew that I could go to prison. And just as I had to … to trust these women, who came to me , not to bring charges against me which could set me in prison, they had to trust me. They came by bus, by train, by vehicle, and they had to trust that they were going to leave there … um … intact and alive.”

And this brings us to our last ugly, but necessary point. It’s extraordinary that all of Dr. Boyd’s thousands of patients went home intact and alive, because across the rest of the country…

1

The Death Toll Was Astonishing, And Might Be Again

Neither Dorothy nor Fran had what you’d call a best-case scenario underground abortion. But they also both survived: That alone sets them in the “lucky” group. Dorothy interviewed one Doctor Paulsen, who treated a lot of the worst-case scenarios. He dedicates us a clue about how bad it could get 😛 TAGEND

“I heard about these two coeds at Stanford who went to Tijuana and procured illegal abortions. The first was a girl who came back with a fulminating septicemia and who subsequently succumbed. The second is coming and had a severe infection of her reproductive organ, and it was necessary to do a hysterectomy, which rendered her sterile, of course.”

vzmaze/ iStock
You don’t go get illegal surgery in 1950 s Tijuana because you had a lot of better options . Dorothy also interviewed a woman named Freddie, whose sister succumbed of a botched abortion. But she didn’t learn that for years 😛 TAGEND

“At the time of my sister’s death, I was told she died in childbirth, but that didn’t make any sense. Then I was told it was a miscarriage, that she bled to death. The narrative came to me in bits and pieces over many years.”

Needless to say, it’s not a fun narrative. There are no dancing bears , no singing chipmunks — probably not even a charming animal sidekick.

Freddie’s sister Lola had gotten pregnant in spite of her IUD, which set her in something of a Catch-2 2. If she dedicated birth with an IUD, the newborn might come out deformed. If she had it removed, it might cause a miscarriage. She decided on lifting the IUD and went to her doctor, but…

“He said, ‘I’m sorry, I have consulted with colleagues, and I cannot do anything that could implicate me in an illegal act.'”

Remember: She wasn’t seeking an outright abortion . The doctor was saying that if he’d simply removed the IUD and Lola had miscarried because of it, it could lead to criminal charges. So Lola told him she’d merely try to remove the IUD herself. For a rough idea of how that would go, imagine yanking this out of your genitalia 😛 TAGEND

flocu/ iStock
Health care selections shouldn’t include rejected Saw notions .

And yet Lola’s doctor was actually all about this: if she hurt herself ripping out her IUD and induced a miscarriage, he could treat her for that without risking charges himself .

Here’s what Freddie recollected Lola telling the doctor told her: “All right, well I tell you what to do, I’ll tell you how to do it, and when you’re in the process of miscarriage, you can call me, you can go to the hospital, and then I’ll be able to help you without jeopardizing my own position.”

tetmc/ iStock
Though it kinda seems like advising a patient to induce a medical emergency at home should qualify . But removing her IUD didn’t work. So Lola get desperate and tried something terrifying 😛 TAGEND

“She bought a couple of tube, plastic tubes, and what she was told to do was insert these tubings into the cervix, and blow air into the cervix, and that would cause her to abort. So she filed a sharp point, and had punctured a vein, and got air into her bloodstream.”

She died.

Today, an estimated 68,000 girls worldwide die per year from botched abortions. In 2012, a year after passing a new law that shut 82 abortion clinics, Texas saw pregnancy-related deaths double. Georgia leads the nation in pregnancy-related deaths, and it just happens to be a state where 58 percent of women live without access to abortion clinics. At least 46 new anti-abortion laws have been put in front of various country parliaments this year. You get the implication.

And now, to prevent you from death-spiraling into an inescapable inundate of sadness: Here’s a bird that loves knocking over cups .

The author would like to request that you consider making a donation to Planned Parenthood. They could really use it .

Behind every nasty movie is the idea for a good one. Old man Indiana Jones discovers aliens. Good in theory, bad in practice. Batman opposes Superman. So simple, but so bad. Are there good translations of these movies hidden within the stinking turds that watched the light of day? Jack O’Brien hosts Soren Bowie, Daniel O’Brien, and Katie Willert of ‘After Hours’ on our next live podcast to find an answer as they discuss their ideal versions of flops, reboots, and remakes. Tickets are$ 7 and can be purchased here !

For more insider views, check out 5 Bizarre True Stories From My Job At Planned Parenthood and 5 Things You Learn Escorting Women around An Abortion Clinic . Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out How You’re About To Lose Your Reproductive Rights, and other videos you won’t assure on the site !

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6 Healthy Habits With Huge Downsides( Nobody Talks About)

It takes real willpower to take a healthy activity, like jogging or feeing the majority of members of a salad, and make it part of your regular routine. But it’s worth it, right? After all of the struggle and strife, after you’ve given up your fun vices and your more interesting friends, you can look in the mirror and feel proud.

Or at the least you can until you read this article and discover that a bunch of your new “healthy” habits are bullshit, and hear that pride farting out of you like air from a leaking balloon.

Sorry.

6

Fitness Trackers May Be Actively Hurting Your Fitness

Fitness trackers keep track of how long you’ve been working out, and your heart rate, and the number of steps you take in a day, all while coming in a conveniently small, conveniently $200 package( which you’ll lose in a drawer in a month ). And that is pretty harmless, even useful. Who doesn’t love data ? Well, what if the data isn’t accurate? A analyze of a pair of Fitbit products found that they miscalculated heart rates by up to 20 beats per minute, and that they got worse as the exercise got more intense. You may recognize intense workout as the time when it’s most important for a tracker to get an accurate read, since you don’t actually need that much monitoring when cramming Cheetos in your mouth and yell at Wheel Of Fortune . A second study detected an average error rate of 14 percent — a margin that doesn’t only induce the product useless, but dangerous to someone who has heart disease and needs to know precisely how much their ticker is ticking. hocus-focus/ iStock
14 percentage being the difference between a healthy activity and a “go into the light” activity .

OK, but what about their main purpose, reminding you to workout every day? Yeah, so … another analyse found that while wearing a fitness tracker does construct people take more steps in a day, every step is as begrudging as small children choking down Brussels buds. Workout stops being fun and becomes a chore you hate. And well, that both sucks and is entirely predictable , but isn’t the end outcome still good? Exert is good for you regardless of whether you like it or not. Except, as you’ve likely now guessed, fitness trackers don’t appear to help you stay fit either. Yet another examine took 470 overweight young adults and set them on a low-calorie diet and exert program. Half self-reported their exercising, while the other half employed a tracker. And different groups with the trackers lost less weight.

The issue seems to be that people who watch a statistic on how much they exercise promptly decide that they deserve a reward, and that said reward should come in the form of chocolate cheesecake. Another possibility is that while trackers motivate you to make objectives, they also discourage you if you fail to hit that goal, which constructs it harder to stick to the process. By keeping the results of exercise nebulous, you don’t have those damaging highs and lows — it’s merely a thing that you do so you don’t die.

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Or so you can attract higher-quality mates .

5

There’s Next To No Evidence To Support The Benefits Of Flossing

We’ve all urgently flossed on the eve of a dental appointment and watched blood flow from our mouths like the elevator in The Shining . But all this time, it turns out that we should have been saying “No, because I’m not one of the sheeple enslaved by the siren song of Big Floss propaganda.”

LuckyBusiness/ iStock
“Have you been reading Cracked? ”

While the governmental forces used to recommend daily flossing, probably because politicians’ billfolds were stuffed full of bills scented with mint and cinnamon, such recommendations was dropped in 2016, largely because there’s no scientific research that supports the practice. In fact, despite all of the claims about how flossing fights gum cancer, removes plaque, and prevents cavities, the available evidence was dubbed “weak, ” “very unreliable, ” of “very low” quality, and is accessible to “a moderate to big possibilities for bias” by Uncle Sam, who hasn’t flossed since 1931 and is getting along fine.

Almost every survey on floss has been funded by the companies that manufacture it, and they’ve been about as rigorous in their methods as a remedial junior high science class, littering their studies with sample sizes that were too small or that took place over too short a period of time. One analyse reached a conclusion about the awesome power of flossing after its subjects flossed once . And outside of manufacturer-funded surveys, the social sciences simply isn’t there. Now, it would be irresponsible of us to claim that Johnson& Johnson thugs have been muzzling scientists with research disputing them.

So we’ll merely indicate it instead.

All of this doesn’t mean that flossing is bad for you. More rigorous research may prove that it helps, and if nothing else, it’s great for getting rid of that one piece of popcorn that got stuck in your teeth five minutes into a 183 -minute movie. But don’t feel bad or let anyone give you shit if you happen to go without it for a few days. Your mouth isn’t going to devolve into a plaque-filled wasteland.

4

Standing Desks Totally Work … In Conjunction With Exercise

America is a proud nation of sitters. We sit in our cars, on our couches, at bars, at the sitsateria, all of them.

But it’s at the office where sitting hittings hardest — eight hours a day of nerves getting pinched, cardiovascular problems developing, bodily fluids clotting, and your body generally becoming flabby and useless, all while you work on a spreadsheet that coordinates all of your other spreadsheets. That’s why standing desks have become trendy. If you stand while working, your body will be immune to all of the problems caused by sitting! Logic .

According to scientists who pored through 16 years of health data on over 5,000 people, how and how often you sit is far less important than the activities you do when you’re not sitting. The sand of day don’t start dropping faster when you’re plunked in a chair, and “sitting time was not associated with all-cause mortality risk.” Sitting isn’t inherently the issue; the problem is that after work is done, instead of going to the gym and eating a healthy dinner, we have a tendency to order pizza and zone out in front of Frasier .

It’s being stationary that’s bad for us, regardless of what that stationary posture looks like. Far healthier to only sit comfortably while working and then do some actual exercising, as opposed to standing in the hopes that will keep the Grim reaper away with no other lifestyle changes. So you either need to find a way to work at an exercise bike desk, some kind of knife-fighting desk, or The Desk Of Agony. Or you could cut 45 minutes from your weekly Tv regime in favor of some rec league basketball.

Whatever’s easiest.

3

Genetic Testing For Future Health Problems Is All But Useless

As anyone who’s skimmed the trailer for Gattaca knows, your life is basically hardwired into your genetic code. Maybe you’re a genius Adonis who will change the world, or maybe you’ll drop dead at 37 after a career in the custodial arts. And now, thanks to the miracle of modern technology, anyone with some spare money can get a scientific analysis of their Dna to find out what will probably end up killing them.

Companies like 23 andMe, decipher Genetics, Gene Planet, Gene Biohackman, and others will let you send them bodily fluids — preferably the ones they requested — and return a report on diseases you’re at risk for, how you’ll react to certain medications, and other fun details. But what they’re best at testing is whether you’re gullible enough to fork over a couple hundred bucks in exchange for consulting a Swami machine with lab access.

The problem is twofold. First, the human genome is unbelievably complicated, and while our knowledge of it is significantly better than when we supposed all cancers were caused by humors and ghosts, we’re not at the point where we can read it like an instruction manual. So when genetic testing companies devote specific dietary advice like “drink apple juice daily” or “jog more instead of lifting weights, ” they’re pulling those suggestions straight out of “their ass.” These steps might improve your health if you were previously drinking vodka for breakfast and get your only exercising by lifting the bottle, but they didn’t detect a cheat code in your DNA that will make you a superhuman. Eating healthy and exercising is a good notion no matter what your genome looks like.

The other issue is that we suck at understanding danger. Having a gene that makes you prone to skin cancer doesn’t entail much if you shun the sunshine like a vampire. Meanwhile, your friend who’s on a first-name basis with everyone at the tanning salon is probably going to be at a greater hazard, even if there’s nothing in their genes to suggest it. Unless you drew the marked piece of paper in the genetic gamble, how you live has more of an effect on your life than your genes. And even if you are susceptible to a disease like ALS or cystic fibrosis, being told to feed more sunflower oil isn’t going to change that.

But we don’t pay companies with sciencey scenes on their websites for long essays about how the human body is complicated and genetics is still a relatively young field; we pay them to tell us what kind of tea will stimulate us immortal. The bigger issue, as Gizmodo points out, is that people who use these services take the incorrect lessons away. They quote one example of a cardiologist whose patient turned down heart drug because their DNA test said to avoid it. So please don’t pay some sketchy company a bunch of money to tell you what you should eat — simply, you know, try eating better.

2

Workplace Wellness Programs Are Great … If You’re Already Healthy

Workplace wellness programs are based on the idea that if your employer expends a little fund to help you catch a looming disease before it gets serious or change an unhealthy habit before it causes a bigger problem, they’ll save a lot of fund by avoiding lost time and insurance claims down the line. It sounds like it makes perfect sense, but like that time we thought it would be a great notion to fill the Cracked office pool with vermouth, reality is a lot more complicated.

Wellness programs vary between companies, but they generally involve employees getting their blood pressure, BMI, blood sugar, cholesterol, and other attributes measured, then lifestyle advice tailored for employees based on those measures. While encouraging businesses to have these programs, the governmental forces doesn’t oversee them in any way at all, meaning companies can do just about anything they want and call it a wellness program.

For starters, some companies, like Safeway, punish employees who don’t pass the tests with increased health premiums, turning an idea that’s supposed to save money for everyone into one that screws employees for having health issues that may very well be beyond their control. Do you have a preexisting medical condition and are looking for a new job? You can legally be boned by your company’s health insurance, to the tune of thousands of dollars.

The programs have other problems too, like the fact that their advice is often simplistic to the point of being useless. Even worse, they might get basic health knowledge flat-out wrong — Slate’s look at the issue detected examples of wellness programs peddling dumb myths about BMI and saturated fat. BMI is a rough measurement, but some wellness programs treat it like gospel … and then use it as an excuse to raise premiums.

Screenings of healthy people can also generate false alarms that do more harm than good. And some of the more expensive cancers to treat, like MS or Crohn’s disease, various kinds of only happen and can’t be solved by your employer telling you to eat more broccoli. Oh, and most major illness generally don’t strike until after people retire anyway, even if they haven’t updated their frat lifestyle in decades.

So to sum up, wellness problems perfectly do accomplish their aim of saving companies fund, but they don’t do it by preempting the need for expensive therapies — they do it by making you pay instead.

Just something to keep in mind the next time you get weighed before a budget meeting.

1

AA Doesn’t Have A Very Good Success Rate

Alcoholics Anonymous is easily the most famous alcohol recovery program in America, but you might be surprised to learn that they’re ranked the 38 th most effective of 48 techniques in the authoritative Handbook of Alcoholism Treatment Methods. So they’re like the Transformers movies of alcohol addiction — inexplicably popular despite persistent low quality.

Addiction is a complicated beast, and if AA has helped you or someone you know, that’s great; they definitely do help some people. But AA was founded in 1935 on decidedly non-scientific principles, and the program hasn’t been updated with anything we’ve since learned about the human brain. It’s plainly hard to study an anonymous organisation like AA , no matter how many false mustaches you utilize, but one calculate set their success rate at between 5 and 8 percent.

AA, meanwhile, claims a 75 percent success rate and highlights the fact that anyone who fails in their system doesn’t have enough willpower. Which itself is a instead sinister statement. Imagine that you’re an alcoholic and you know you need help, and you enter a famous and successful program, but you still can’t kick your drinking habit, and they explicitly tell you that it was you who failed , not them. How do you think someone who already has a drinking problem will react to the revelation that they’re a “failure”?

AA cornered the market by being first, and has been cruising on that initial success ever since. But their support groups are run by people with no professional training, their famous 12 Steps don’t take into account mental health issues, and they inaccurately view alcoholism as something you either have or don’t have, despite modern science treating it as a spectrum. We now know that some people need to quit wholly, while other heavy drinkers might not be dependent on alcohol and can, with help, successfully change their habits to that of a light social drinker. But AA views drinking one Coors Light at your buddy’s BBQ the same as drinking an entire bottle of scotch while playing Russian Roulette with the cat — a comparison which can devastate members when they “relapse” with a glass of wine at dinner.

Modern data says that what works best is drug and cognitive behavior therapy provided by developed physicians , not the AA’s spiritual approach based on ideas their founder had on a hospital bed in the ‘3 0s. AA is right when they call alcohol dependence an illness instead of a moral fail, but they’ve dismissed every scientific discovery about how the brain reacts to liquor in favor of a system of promises, lecturings, and little trophies.

Mark is on Twitter and has a volume with no known health benefits .

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