Pretty Little Liars Recap: Dude, Where’s Lucas’ Car?

Im back again, lucky you. Candidly, you should feel #blessed that I suffer through this bullshit Tv prove to bring yall some giggles on your otherwise shitty weekday coffee break. To the commenter who thought a new daughter was writing these recaps because they are less funny 😛 TAGEND

And number two, nah bitch its still me. Maybe next time you can take hours of your life off to watch a poorly made demonstrate on Freeform and then write several pages about it. Yeah. Didnt think so. You can go shave your back now. #swerve.

Were back to the Liars excavating in a fucking forest with Emily sobbing and Spencer just continuously hollering, “THIS IS FIRST DEGREE MURDER.” Arias just like, there, and Hefty Hanna and Psychopath Ali are just sitting in legit shock.

Ali because shes fucking zonked and Hanna because she merely fucking murdered someone. Theres frankly a lot happening rn.

First question of the nightwhere did they get these shovels? Is there a Home Depot somewhere in this forest or do they all just happen to carry around a bunch of gardening tools? Watch out for the yellow spotted lizards when youre diggin those holes.

Hanna get her fat ass up and decides to help inter the body of the dude she killed and Arias like, “WE SHOULD TELL THE TRUTH! ” Of course they act like Aria simply indicated they have a giant debauchery or something. Like, they are genuinely disgusted.

THE LIARS : Are you calling us a liar?
EVERYONE: Well, I aint calling you a truther!

Spencer is like, What are we gonna tell the cops? Hannas a fucking moron and killed someone? Honestly, I feel like the policemen would be like, “yeah that builds sense.” No one is really gonna be that amazed that lead foot over there doesnt know basic driving skills. Or life skills. Or abilities in general.

Spencers like, We need to make it definitely sounds like Snaggle skipped township! and everyone is like, Yeah but why would they believe that? Spencers shit answer is: Hes a dirtbag, hell skip town.

In my experience, the dirtbags tend to stay in townshoutout to my ex-boyfriend. Please take this as my declined invitation to your upcoming wedding, dickhole.

Good thing they are like, fairly pro at this shit. Covering up a assassination is a weekly thing at this point. They get this thing in the baga body purse! Get it? No? Ill ensure myself out, thx.

Arias like, We need to get Ali back to the hospital before anyone notifications shes gone. Em is like, “It’s chill. The nurses dont check on the patients at night.”

WTF. The nurses on are better qualified than these ones. What kind of hospital is like, Well, patients, past the hour of 8pm you fucks are on your own? Rosewood, man.

They took Lucas car btw and fucking wrecked it. Good thing Hanna is the only girl who could ever convince Lucas that hes straight, otherwise he might be a tad upset about this.

They all wonder how “theyre going to” get back in the hospital and its likeduh, break in like you fucking always do. Dont act like youre suddenly fresh out of notions on how to get into locked places.

Ali gets up, sticks her hand in the fucking clay, and pulls out Snaggles badge to get in the hospital. WTF. How did she do that? I cant even find my keys like, right after I set them down.

Emilys snooping through Snaggles phone and is like, “HE DOESNT USE EMOJIS !!!! ” What a monster. If he has Pokmon Go, we know its A. The true devil of society.

Theyre like, He probably deleted all the A stuff once he realized we were onto him. Was that before or after you fucking plowed his face through your goddamn windshield?

Emilys just like manhandling evidence from the dude they murdered and Spencers like, “Dont fret I have some Wet Ones! ” Thank god youre a fucking weirdo, Spence. Makes this whole try and get away with slaying thing a lot easier.

They have a whole timeline put in: Aria is taking Ali to the hospital while Spencer and all of them are going to set Snaggles jacket and phone on a train and hope for the best.

Also, can we talk about Hannas perfectly describes blood mark on her face? Appears like a Coachella 2017 tribal appear. Can I get that paint at H& M?

Hannas like, Were not getting away with this, you guys and theyre like, We thought of everything !! Hanna says no one guess of everythingand she would fucking know.

HANNA: Im going to jail! Do you know what they do to people in jail? It rhymes with grape!

Emilys like, Its fine. Its better than good dude. Everyone who could possibly know we murdered someone is in this vehicle! Sweet, stupid little Emily.

Godzilla/ Toby is at the police station looking up Snaggle. Because remember dumbass Emily got him involved? Yvonne texts him wondering where the fucking he is, and hes just like, Cant come home and have sex, babe. Too busy staring at a dudes image to help my ex-girlfriend. Sleep tight xo!

Hanna receives a shard of glass or one of Snaggles front teeth, who knows, in her hair. Emilys pacing back and forth debating on whether she should skip work on her second day. Spencers like, Go to work, we cant make this looking strange. Though it looks stranger when the liars actually do go to work.

Han is talking to Spencer like, “Hey, can we move on from this? So, I made out with your boyfriend and totally betrayed your trust. Lets let bygones be bygones.”

Caleb comes over and Hanna and Spencer are both hiding from him. Caleb says hes an moronic and his desperation level is through the roof. He starts telling Spencer that when they first started hanging out he got a job in San Francisco, but he was trying to made that one time so he turned it down. Because hes so romantic aka a fucking moron.

He talks about this shitty night they hung out and listened to some break people play music on a street corner? Idk everyone is crying, and Im so uncomfortable.

Calebs sobbing about how Spencer is basically the Crimson Chin and has the cutest little cleftwtf? Hes hoping that she will let him inside and shes like “nah.”

Meanwhile, Hannas crying like, way more over a dude than the fact that she just ran someone down and ended “peoples lives”. #priorities

Spencer and Emily are openly chatting about their plan to evade murder at a bar and wait for Aria to text back went on to say that Ali has been returned to the mental hospital.

Emilys like, Look I know your relationship sucks, but you cant blame Hanna, ” and Spencers like, “I literally can blame Hanna and I fucking will.” She tells Emily about Hanna and Calebs kiss and Emilys like, “Well, shit I guess you can blamed Hanna. Im just gonna go fuck myself now, mahalo.”

Spencers like, I get it. When I ensure Tobys ring I was like, ‘Damn, that could have been me’but like you actually dodged a bullet and dont have to join that lizard monarches family.

Emilys like maybe the timing was off? and Spencers like, What is period, truly?

* as defined by Merriam-Webster Dictionary *

Thats what timing is, you dramatic giraffe/ girl hybrid.

Spencers like, Either you love person or you dont. Didnt you say you felt weirdly about Toby like 3 seconds ago? Do you hear yourself, like, when you speak?

Aria is in the hospital with Ali and asks her to to stay put and obviously Ali is like “LOL GOOD ONE, ” and bounces. Aria searches for her and procures her hiding in the stairwell like fuckin Harry Potter.

Alis whining about how she dislikes her mental hospital and Arias so over it.

ARIA : I cant stand all these crazy people being so dramatic and flamboyant. It stimulates me want to set myself on fire!

Arias shackling Ali up and shes like, Look, human. The nurses need to know what he did to you. And its like, “Why would they care, they dont even check on patients. Youre lucky if these nurses even knew your name.”

Alis like, “Okay, I fucked up wedding that dude.” Ya believe? You got engaged at a coffee shop for god’s sake. Did you actually think this would last?

Aria asks Ali if she killed Charlotte. Ya know, since they already told everyone she did.

Ali starts telling the story of how she didnt murder Charlotte, but how they got into a fight because Ali told Charlotte about Snaggle. Obviously, you have to have fightings about sons in the nearest church. Never in the comfort of your own home.

Charlotte told Ali to leave. I’m a little appalled that theyre both eskimo sisters with a dude who is so fucking beat. Its insane. Arias like, “why didnt you tell anyone? ” and Alis like, “none of you believed me.” #TRU.

Before Aria leaves, Ali tells her to put the mask on herya know, the muzzle thing Snaggle use? Arias like, “Uh, are you sure about this and Alis like, “Fuck it. Why not? “* plays Hilary Duff song*

Spencer is wallowing at the bar when some dude orders her a drinking. The guy looks like a young Rob Lowe if he gained 25 pounds, and is apparently named Marco. No one can ever be named John on this show.

She notifications the camera and is like, “Hmmm this works as good evidence I guess. Also, you never turn away a free drink.”

He asks her what she was up to earlier and shes like, Oh I buried a body, and he giggles because hes Rob Lowe and hes like, Ah, Ann Perkins youre so funny!

Aria and Hanna are out in the timbers about to burn Lucas vehicle and talking about how Ali used to bully the shit out of them. #tbt Aria starts talking about how she wore the same shirt as Ali to school and faked getting sick because it was social suicide. Candidly, its more embarrassing for Ali. The people who dress Aria have the blended IQ of roadkill.

Then they realise the cars gone.

Spencer is drunken flirting with Rob Lowe and then suddenly they are making out in an elevator to an angsty alternative ballad. So of you, Spencer. Disclaimer to underage readers: shit like this never happens.

Spencer considers herself in the mirror and is like, “Shit, Im a harlot! ” and she blue balls the fuck outta him.

Hanna and Aria are freaking out about the missing vehicle while Hanna rambles on about Keebler elves and how she parked the car next to the place they stimulated cookies and shit. Hanna, are you able for one second get your mind out of the goddamn pantry?

Arias trying to deescalate the situation and is like, “Ah, we simply misplaced this two ton piece of metal.” NBD. Then they are like waaaaaait a second! Someone drove it away! FUCKING DUH. We corroborate what we already knew: Someone is well aware of the whole murder thing.

Suddenly the car comes back with a perfect windshield. Whos driving it? Our main bitch, Mona. Yas queen.

Arias like, “Why are you following us? ” and Monas like, “Get over yourself plz.”

MONA: After Hanna was kidnapped by A, I decided to get smarter about things.
ARIA : Actually she was kidnapped by* AD
MONA : Please die.

Mona is like, “Well Im smarter than all of you so I figured Snaggle was behind this like four episodes ago.” She set a tracker on his car, and theyre like, “Yeah, thats normal.” Arent they suspicious of the chick who randomly has GPS trackers? The fucking is this shit,? Where are Carmen and Juni?

Monas like, “I was curious, ” and Arias like, “Well, curiosity killed the cat.” Good phrase, Aria. Did you learn that when you were fucking your English teacher or your book editor?

Arias like, “Do you always insert yourself into our homicides? ” UHM, DO YOU Ensure THE PROBLEM WITH THAT WHOLE STATEMENT ????

They are like, Where did you get the windshield fixed? and Monas like, A place that wont ask questions and doesnt give answers. Is that on Yelp?

MONA: So, you got Snaggles burner phone right?
LIARS : Wut

Emilys like, “Soooo, I have Snaggles shit, and, as suspected, there are no products of dental hygiene” and Spencers like, “Thats cool, but Im drunk AF and I need you to pick me up and like, take me to Taco Bell.”

Emily single-handedly organized the March for Lesbians Against Drunk Driving, so she goes and get her hammered friend.

Emily is hollering at her about how she fucked everything up and Spencer is like, I used to be free like a butterfly.” She starts talking about all these shitty hobbies she was trying to take up( e.g. horseback riding) but now As ruined that shit again. You cant see me Spencer, but Im playing the worlds smallest violin.

The group brunches together afterwards. Nothing says we didnt commit murder like a mimosa.

They are openly talking about burner telephones in a bar, AGAIN. Why must you always discuss illegal activity in open, public places? Dont they have doorways in this god abandoned town?

Arias freaking out because they are on camera and Hannas like, “Shut the fuck up and drink.” Flashback to me went on to say that to the pledges in my sorority. Drink up prostitutes or youre fucking dropped.

Mona tells them that Snaggle isnt Americanhes British! That explains the shitty teeth! And Spencers practically screaming: Md IS THE OTHER A !!!!! We get it, Spencer. Take a note from Aria and shut the fuck up and drink.

Just when they are like, “Yeah, probs rightit probably is MD, ” in comes Jenna, in all her blind glory. Time to fuck shit up, Stevie Wonder style.

Jennas like, Omg, this is so great. How nice to see you all. We should hang out sometime while low-key insulting all the liars. I am Jenna whenever I go back to my hometown.

Theyre like, Why are you here? Why are you white? ” Omg, you cant just ask people why they’re white! She says shes in township to celebrate her pet iguana of a brother’s engagement.

Theyre like, So why are you staying at the Radley? and shes like, “My house blew upANYWAYS.” Wait, hold the phone. I know you cant watch shit, but like you had to have probably been like, “Woah, home blew up! ” Thats like, kind of a big deal.

Jennas like, Perhaps Ill go visit Ali and is just like ‘sup bitch remember when you blinded me.’ TOOTLES. Okay, how is Jennas outfit better than Arias? Shes literally blind. Like, as in cannot ensure things.

Caleb calls Spencer, and she trenches to add more OJ to her mimosa. What a little bitch. Everyone knows you merely add a splash of OJ for color!

Hanna is like, Are you gonna be mad at me eternally? Spencers like, “Nah, simply the rest of the season.” Hanna persuades Spencer to go find Caleb and make up and stuff.

HANNA : Tell Caleb the truth. Hell be mad( I WOULD KNOW BECAUSE I Use TO FUCK HIM ), but it will work out.

Jenna is waiting for Toby and hes like “dafuq bitch? ” Jennas like, “I actually wanna be invited to your wedding so perhaps we can make up? Can I take a plus one? “

Mona cant trace the burner phone and Hannas like, “Goddammit, Carol. Get your shit together!

Hannas like, “I did get the pedals mixed up.” Yeah, likely confused by the elves building cookies. Monas like, “Sure, you got the gas and the brake mixed up…happens to the best of us.”

Hannas like, “Was it an accident, or did I murder him? ” Monas like, “I dont actually care, Im more worried about the fake diamond on your finger.” Murder frankly is not as important as knock-offs.

Hannas all Im hiding this because I dont wanna go into and fuck up Spencers relationship. Ya know, more than she already did.

Hanna realizes that she left her bracelet in Snaggles car, and Monas like, “Jesus H Christ youre a fucking moron.”

MONA : You are literally too stupid to insult.
HANNA : Thank you

Aria is wearing a poncho as a skirt, looking like shes about to sell some fashionable tamales or some shit. Aria and Emily go to the hospital, and there are a bunch of cops there and theyre like, “QUICK, ACT NATURAL, ” and immediately starts acting suspect as fuck.

Tobys like, “Come with me right now” and then their at them. Pacify the fuck down, dude. Youre a Rosewood cop. Youre not even real.

Spencer goes to find Caleb and all of his shit is gone. He left her merely a painting frame because hes a dramatic lil bitch.

MD comes to visit Ali and Alis like, “Wtf, Im calling the nurse.” MDs like, “NAHHHHH.” Ali is so royally fucked dude. Also, in a hospital full of nurses and policemen all investigating her husband/ physician, couldnt one like, guard her door? Idk, Im just thinking out loud here.

MARY DRAKE: Look at me, Im the captain now.

Tobys talking to the Liars and tells them that the real Elliot Rollins , not Snaggle, has been dead for 15 years. So hes been pretending to be a dead guy. So…Einhorn is Finkle, Finkle is Snaggle?

So is he not a doctor? Why would he try and be Charlottes doctor? Im confused. Honestly this whole Snaggle story line stimulates me wish that I was the one hit by the car.

Tobys like, Observing Snaggle is top priority! and the Liars are like, “YAAAAY”* internally screaming*

Hanna and Mona are breaking into a vehicle in broad daylight, because #Rosewood, to look for Hannas bracelet. How did Mona know how to break into a auto? Where did these girls go to college? Litchfield Penitentiary?

They find the bangle and then hear a phone go over from Snaggles car. They eventually find the phone and listen to a message on it and its like: Hey Archer, its Jenna. Okay, if youre like knowingly calling a burner phone and doing sketchy shit, MAYBE YOU DONT INTRODUCE YOURSELF ON THE PHONE. You sound like my Papa: Hey, its your Dad calling.” Uh, I fucking know because I have had Caller ID for the past 10 years. Jesus Jenna, might as well only fucking mention your social security systems number too.

Also, who names their fucking child Archer? Unless you are an animated spy thats merely funny when Im high off my ass, you are not supposed to be named Archer. For the love of deity, can there be a dude on this demonstrate named John?

div.body_middle_part_right. bodypart: nth-child( n +2 ), a.prevBody showing: none ;

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5 BS Product Gwyneth Paltrow And Alex Jones Both Shill

I believe you can tell a lot about a celebrity by the products they shill. Michael Jordan was some sort of athletics guy, so he wanted you to buy hyper-expensive Nike shoes. Jamie Lee Curtis assumes you have trouble shitting, so she fabricated yogurt. And if Larry the Cable Guy doesn’t eat straight Prilosec, he turns into a Xenomorph. The two celebrity endorsers I find the most interesting are Alex Jones and Gwyneth Paltrow. Though they’re about as different as you can possibly get on the surface, both have put together lucrative side business … in a lot of instances, selling the exact same things. Jones sells( and claims to take) so many supplements that I have a theory he’s actually a beanbag chair stuffed with pills, while Paltrow is more generally into anything that voices dumb. But strangely, they do share some common ground. For instance …

5

They Both Want Your Children To Shut UP FOR FIVE GODDAMN MINUTES

Infowars Sells:

Alex Jones blameds “modern mind control” — which is everything from music to sugar to unspecified globalist concoctions — on children being unable to focus and soothe the hell down. Fortunately, he’s here to force-feed your children catnip and lemon salve in hopes of allowing you precious fucking minutes of peace to scrapbook all of the wonderful days you’ve had with your them.

In the commercial for Child Ease, Alex Jones credits himself with developing it, while also stating, “Young humans have not yet developed their nervous system.” Which makes me question his credentials as an discoverer of things that go inside a child’s body. He knows we’re born with nervous systems, right? Also, saying “young humans” induces him sound like an foreigner. If you took the Child Ease commercial and had Dr. Zoidberg from Futurama narrate it, it would stimulate infinitely more sense.

Goop Sells:

Chill Child is a “calming mist” which somehow use sonically tuned gem elixirs and Reiki-charged crystals to “get your kiddos to chill.” It may look exactly like what you would use to spray water on a cat to get it off your kitchen counter, but you’re not supposed to spray it directly on small children. And for the love of deity do not let them inhale it, that would be crazy . It goes on their aura. I can only assume that once the child’s aura is sufficiently coated in this fog, it dies, leaving your child an auraless husk and you free to do Pilates.

I’m pretty sure “sonically tuned gem elixirs” is code for some rocks Gwyneth Paltrow sing to. However, digging a little deeper, I found that it’s route dumber than that. Both “moonlight” and “love” are legitimately listed as ingredients. I can’t assistance but suppose all this spray will do is construct screaming sticky children slightly chamomile-scented, which I guess is technically an improvement. At least you’ll be allowed to reek them coming, so you have time to hide.

4

They Both Want You To Enjoy Big, Meaty Boners

Infowars Sells:

Via Infowars

Super Male Vitality employs something called extraction technology, along with various herbs and extracts, to give you a super good boner. Just ask Boner King Alex Jones, or this commercial, which features Alex Jones calling a man doing a push-up “unprecedented.”( Something that I assume is 100 percent true for Alex Jones .)

You consider, according to Alex Jones, who is to boners what Jesus was to Lazarus, someone is putting “estrogen mimickers” in the food and water supply, which are werewolfing humen into the worst possible thing he can imagine: women. Only Alex Jones can save you from this terrible fate. So if you’re afraid your dick will shrivel up and fall off, thus depriving you of the one thing maintaining you sane in this mad, effeminate world, turn to Alex Jones for not just sorcery boner-giving liquid, but also sorcery boner- keeping liquid. It’s $ 50, and I hope you choke on it.

Goop Sells:

Via Goop

Sex Dust sounds like an STD that’s going around a nursing home. Who could believe “Sex Dust” is a good name for- oh, waiting, she named her business “Goop.” She named one of her children “Apple.” I’m pretty sure Gwyneth doesn’t even register “sex” or “dust” as real words.

Goop wants you to set Sex Dust inside your body. Specifically, you can add it to any hot or cold liquid and drink it, but it’s especially good with nut milk. Oh god, this writes itself. Goop describes Sex Dust as a “lusty edible formula alchemized to kindle and excite sexy energy in and out of the bedroom.” Unlike Super Male Vitality, Sex Dust doesn’t promise to protect you from the terrors of femininity in your lesbian water, but it does have something called “horny goat weed” in it, which seems like a promising herb for delivering horniness. This is especially true if you happen to be buying this as a goat.

3

They Both Want You To Be Protected From Invisible Ogres

Infowars Sells:

Living Defense claims to offer protection against “invading organisms.” I swear to god I tried to figure out what that entails. I ran deep into the Infowars world, which is just a bunch of bunkers full of white humen with giant boners, all crying. Please, Alex Jones, Pied Piper of erectile dysfunction, tell me what the fuck is this product is for.

What I can tell you for sure is that nine out of ten people are infested with harmful organisms. Harmful organisms can spread during sex activity. And pets are basically cities for them. So if you enjoy a thing, it’s likely filled with harmful organisms. No one knows what they are, but Alex Jones damn sure knows that they’re bad. Actually , now that I think about it, it’s probably just a metaphor for his posture on immigration.

Goop Sells:

Man, when you get into a crazy-off with Infowars and win , that’s really saying something. Something sad. I was certain the most insane product award would go to Mr. Jones. Sadly, Ms. Paltrow, in a last-minute explode of stupidity, released psychic vampire repellent. And no, that’s not a rephrase, gag, or satire. That’s literally what it’s called.

The spread wasn’t in her favor, but she took home the W with a 3.4 oz bottle of pure Reiki-charged insanity. This bottle of sadness water claims to “banish bad vibes( and shield you from the people who may be causing them ). ” I generally use pepper spray for that, but I’m sure if you got this right into someone’s eyeball, it might protect you from them. Once again, you’re not supposed to spray this directly on someone else, because also once again, that would be crazy. It goes on your aura. Again.

2

They Want You To Have A Squeaky-Clean Rectum

Infowars Sells:

Via Infowars

Oxy-Powder is an oxygen-based intestinal soap, which means that if you take it, you’re about to get real acquainted with your porcelain cousin. Which is the nice way of saying “You’re going to shit out your actual soul.” Infowars really spells this out for you in the important information segment at the bottom of the page, stating: “Oxy-Powder will cause watery, gaseous stools. This is not clinical diarrhea; it’s the byproduct of oxidation.” So don’t worry, it’s simply oxygen emptying out your colon like Godzilla on a water slide.

Wait, how the hell does oxygen clean out your colon? According to the chiropractor who shills these super not-FD-Aapproved pills, it’s “using time-released oxygen through oxidation reduction.” And one thing I heavily agree with is that those are all words that exist in the English language.

Wait, isn’t that the same guy from the boner pill commercial? Huh.

Goop Sells:

I’m now a veteran of the bullshit supplement wars, and like the prophecy of Delphi, I can accurately interpret the glittery promises lovingly sprinkled around this product. The ten-day detox supplement kit promises to treat, cleanse, and repair the intestine, increase energy, improve mood and sleep, reduce stress, restore glow and vitality to skin and hair, and more. If it constructs me glow, I hope it’s in the dark so I can spook all my friends.

What it for sure will do is stimulate you poop your whole butt off. This knowledge came to me as I was reading the warn in the description: “It’s best to start over a weekend so you can get plenty of rest.” The subtext there is that you will need to rest between all of the pooping you will be doing. It will be so much pooping that you will need to rent an extra bed for all the resting you will need to do between all of the pooping you will definitely be doing. I don’t know why we equate pooping a lot with having a healthy body, but apparently everyone does. In Goop’s case, people are willing to pay $169 to achieve what one fried chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell could do for $5.

1

They Want You To Use Vegan Deodorant

Infowars Sells:

If you didn’t know what Infowars was and stumbled into their store by some unfortunate internet collision, you might think it was a website for a health food store in Portland. Who would have supposed cruelty-free vegan deodorant would be so important to a man who caused the parents of murdered children to be harassed?

It’s also free of gluten, soy, and dairy, just in case you want to eat it, I guess? I would fully expect to hear from Goop that you can use “the earth’s mineral crystal be included with natural botanicals” as deodorant. But nope, that’s from Alex Jones. And I think it’s extremely important that you understand that I’m not constructing up the “mineral crystal” thing, so here’s the page, where you can see it for yourself.

It’s vegan deodorant for everyone who dislikes Muslims but loves animals. You can also get a variety of organic shampoos and soaps from the Infowars shop, so you can get the government out of your gun cabinet and your beauty routine!

Goop Sells:

I know Goop isn’t a surprising place to determine vegan deodorant. This is exactly the kind of product I would expect Gwyneth Paltrow to shill. Goop runs on the premise that the world is a dirty place full of poors, and you can clean their terrible smell away with an $18 bar of charcoal soap inspired by shamans.

This was the product that really hammered home for me the route both Goop and Infowars tango around FDA regulations. They sell things they claim are organic and natural and therefore safer and better than stuff like real medication prescribed by real doctors … or just convince people to take 30 pills a day that aren’t sanctioned by government oversight. After writing this article, I’ve decided to never eat anything organic for the rest of my life. It’s all bullshit. I’m putting nothing but Cheetos, Baja Blast Mountain Dew, and pure plastic in my body, and I’m going to live to be 100.

You can follow Lydia on Twitter . Almost any pack of soap and deodorant should fit your needs. Most importantly you won’t have to danger using some expensive fear-based quack products that might as well be peddled by a Batman villain . If you loved such articles and want more content like this, support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page. Or sign up for our Subscription Service for exclusive content, an ad-free experience, and more . For more, check out 4 Celebrity Product That Are Proof People Will Buy Anything and 27 Disappointing Ads By Celebrity Who Should Know Better . Are in favour of our YouTube channel, and check out The 6 Most Surreal Celebrity Endorsements, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site !

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