Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in their own homes.~ Bill Maher
All the relationship advice in the world wont make any difference if youre choosing the incorrect guy. This is the step that often gets missed or overlooked. Women hammer away, trying to pound the proverbial square peg into a round hole, then wonder what theyre doing wrong, why they cant seem to make it fit, why they cant get the love they want. You cant turn a losing stock into a winning stock. You cant force someone to change and to want what you want. You cant convince someone to feel a certain route about you.
I expended route too long chasing after guys who wouldnt or couldnt give me what I wanted, and then I wondered what was wrong with me when it didnt get me lasting love! The problem was simple: I was choosing the incorrect humen. It sounds straightforward enough, but its a very tricky thing. We fall for these guys because it feels so right, because were swept up in the passion, the chemistry, and the intoxicating aura of unavailability; we get sucked into the space that exists when someone is just beyond our reach and it induces us yearn for him. We convince ourselves that this is it, that hes the one and we just need to make him see it.
This is where the problems develop. This is where all the questions and tears and doubt and uncertainties and fears start to ingest you. You mistake these feelings for true love because maybe youve never felt this route before, and you think it must be because this guy is different and this relationship is meant to last.
This is just a glimpse into the confusion that ensues when you choose the incorrect guy. If youre hung up on a human who cant perpetrate or wont perpetrate or who is mean to you or who is just a mean person in general, a guy with luggage, a guy with serious issues, a guy who you think would be perfect if merely he changed such and such, then youre defining yourself up to lose before you even begin, and you are blocking yourself from ever discovering the love you want.
Where Healthy Relationships Begin
Before we talk about what to look for in a guy, its important to look at how relationships begin. The start of a relationship can oftentimes color our lenses and sometimes result us down a bad track and into a toxic relationship.
Here’s a situation that may sound familiar to you( it was certainly a recurring theme for me in my single life !) You meet person, something clicks, and suddenly it feels like a force outside of you has taken over.
After this encounter you can’tfor the life of youget this guy out of your head. You try to think about other things but nothing works. You ruminate over every detail of your interaction with himwhat he said, what you said, what his body language said. You think about the things you wish you had said.
You check your phone constantly to see if he called or texted. If he does, your belly drops-off, your heart races, you want to leap off your seat and call for exhilaration. And then of course you need to figure out the exact right thing to tell back to him, the perfect quip to prove him that you’re perfect for each other.
The high continues as you venture into a relationship, and it becomes even more intense. You never quite know where you stand with him. The uncertainty keeps you on your toes, constantly on alert for something that looks like a bad sign or an ominous foreshadowing. This emotional rollercoaster is as thrilling because this is exhaust. You’re hooked. The worst possible thing that could happen is him leaving. It’s a anxiety you can’t quite shake no matter how promising the situation seems, a fear that drives everything you say and do.
Now another scenario.
You satisfy a guy, you think he’s nice and all, you have a good conversation, and he gets your number. While you’re pleased, you don’t go into a tizzy over it. You may check his Facebook profile, but merely for a few minutes. You are happy to hear from him if he calls or text, but you don’t notice the hours that pass in between your interactions. You go out several times , not expecting much, but soon enough your interest and attraction begin to grow. Things feel calm, there’s no drama , no heart palpitations and it feels really nice.
Which relationship do you think has a stronger chance of survival?
Instinctively, you would say the second one. In real life, you would fall for the first. That’s because the first scenario illustrates everything we’ve ever been told about love.
In movies and romance fictions, love is this grand, all-consuming force-out that takes you over in the most dramatic of ways. There are huge obstacles to overcome, but it’s OK because love subdues all! I entail, would any of us have cared for” The Notebook” if Ali and Noah were of the same social status, went on a few lukewarm dates, then got to know each other and developed a deepening connection over time? Don’t think so.
Unhealthy Relationships Start With a Pull
Relationships that start from a place of pure, unadulterated passion can seldom survive unless they have some substance and depth of connection to stand on. Explosive chemistry isnt what makes a lasting, healthy relationship. It can lead to great sexuality and feelings of euphoria, and you are able come to understand why they say love is a drug, but no matter how intense and all consuming, that sort of thing is seldom sustainable long term.
When you feel a strong and sudden pull towards someone else, the kind that causes you to turn him from mere mortal to deity-like being, something sinister is usually at play. OK, maybe not sinister, but something that isnt exactly what you would word romantic. There are a few good reasons why we might become inexplicably drawn to someone who isnt good for us.
This theory, was put forward by clinical pastoral counselor Harville Hendrix, Ph.D ., posits that the pulling we feel towards another person is guided by our unconscious desire to rectify some issue from our past. Imago is Latin for image, and the theory essentially states that we unconsciously seek partners who reflect the image of our primary caregivers so that we can try to heal lingering wounds inflicted by them by working through issues with someone in their image. These relationships present the opportunity to mend ourselves and become whole again, but they also pose the risk of continuing to pour salt into open wounds.
How it pans out is something like this: if your parents always constructed you feel like you weren’t good enough, you may seek out guys who construct you feel like youre not good enough, then try to win them over in an attempt to rectify those painful impressions from your past.
If your father was very critical, you may find yourself drawn to a human who is very critical, trying to win his love and approving in order to heal from the hurt of your parents rejection. These decisions aren’t conscious, they happen very deep beneath the surface in areas we can’t easily access. When we satisfy someone, we immediately sense everything about him, especially the way he makes us feel( again, this happens unconsciously ).
On a conscious level, you are able assess the things he says, but on an unconscious level, you’re looking at his body language, his tone, the style he phrases things, how much eye contact he makes, his whole demeanor. If your unconscious finds something familiar in that person, something that reminds you of an unresolved hurt from the past, it will light up and push you towards that person.
You may also unconsciously seek out partners who have some quality that is underdeveloped in you. For instance, if you’re a Type A workaholic and always wished you could ease up, you may be drawn to a laid-back partner who isn’t so driven.
Maybe this sounds a little too New Agey to you, or perhaps it doesnt describe your situation at all, but its a powerful concept and it has gained a
lot of kudo and recognition in the field of psychology so its worth considering. I know Ive considered some of this at play in my own dating life.
Being infatuated sounds like a grand, romantic thing, but it can actually be quite dangerous. The problem with infatuation is it isnt based on anything real. Infatuation causes you to fall in love with an image rather than an actual person. It causes you to put person on a pedestal and overlook his flaw. Since he’s so “perfect,” you become afraid to be yourselfI mean, how could your true ego ever compete with perfection?
You don’t want to say the wrong thing and scare him off, so you aren’t genuine in your interactions. You rely on his approval so desperately that you also become a bit needy. You may not act needy, but it’s something that lurks beneath the surface and he will pick up on it … men always do. You lose your sense of worth because it becomes so wrapped up in how he feels about you.
Healthy Relationships Build Slowly
Healthy relationships usually begin with their common interests and attraction that grows over hour. This is the complete opposite of unhealthy relationships, which usually start out with a grand light show that promptly simmers into ash. If you can internalize this, it will change the route you date forever.
The most important trait to develop is objectivity. No one truly talks about that because its not so sexy, but if you want to find lasting love and prevent yourself from getting hurt, youll need to learn how to use your head a little more than your heart, at least in the beginning. Your heart can lead you into all kinds of bad places. Your heart is the one that tells you its a great notion to go for the bad son whos just so dreamy, even when hes out on parole and struggling with cravings, or has told you he wont be in a committed relationship, ever. Your heart convinces you that the heart wants what the heart wants and who are you to deny your heart? Your heart doesnt operate according to reason or rational. It builds you do things that you later look back on and wonder, what was I thinking? But you werent thinking, thats not what the heart does. OK, I know Im being mean to the heart. It does have its benefits, but that comes subsequently. In the beginning of a relationship, its best to remain as objective as is practicable and try to keep your feelings largely contained.
The best style to do this is to try to go slowly. Ease into the relationship instead of diving in head first. This will create an environment for you to allow your level of interest and attraction to grow steadily over day, rather than inundating you all at once in a big emotional tsunami.
If you spend all your time with him, you risk overlooking critical information about who he really is and if the relationship is built to last. Just because two people feel strongly for each other it doesn’t always mean they can be together.
It is imperative to have a foundation of compatibility, shared objectives and interests, and common values. Some things simply can’t be negotiated. Before you emotionally expend, it is wise to determine if you are fundamentally compatible. And the most effective ways to do this is to go slowly. I dont inevitably mean physically, I entail emotionally.
When you first meet someone, you want to spend every minute of every day with him. You talk for hours and hours on the phone, text all day, you can’t get enough. The obvious reason this is problematic is because you may end up relying too heavily on the relationship for your happiness, but also, you don’t get a break from the emotional excitement and stimulation of it all. Then, if you realize this guy may not be right for you, you’ll be in too deep to get yourself out of the situation. You’ll instead rely on some clich like” love conquers all” to justify staying with him.
I am not telling to stay away from guys you feel a strong immediate attraction to and only date guys you’re only “meh” about. I think you should date both kinds of guythe infatuation guy could turn out to be a loser and the “meh” guy could turn out to be the love of your life.( I’ve seen it happen countless days !)
Either way you have to date smart-alecky. This will come more naturally with “meh” than it will with the is the subject of your infatuation.
If you just satisfied or just started seeing someone, I strongly advise that you try to limit how much hour you spend with him early on. Try to not go on more than two dates a week or engage in marathon texting conferences that go all day. When you do this, you never get a transgres from the emotional high and you dont get a chance to come back down and recalibrate.
So many daughters make the mistake of getting caught up in how the guy feels about them rather than focusing on how they feel about him.
You can avoid falling into this trap by doing regular reality checks. Make sure you watch him and the situation clearly. The best way to do this is to make sure you can acknowledge his flaws. The style you know you’re infatuated is if you watch no flaws. has flaws.
Why It Matters
When you get in over your head, you are able persuade yourself that something like him wanting to live only in the country and you wanting to live only in the city is not such a big deal. Person who maintains a more objective perspective would acknowledge that she would be miserable living in the country, and since this guy wouldn’t choose to live anywhere else, she would get out of the situation.
I’ve seen( and personally experienced) many situations where a couple violates up after a long period of time because of some issue that was apparent right from the beginningtheyre different religions, want to live in different states, one person doesn’t want children. In every one of these situations, the couple believed that things would magically just work up. Imagine how much time and endeavour they would have saved and heartbreak they would have avoided had they been dating with their heads instead of
their hearts from the beginning.
Qualities That Induce Him a Keeper
A lot of women write to me begging to understand why their relationships always fail why guys treat them badlywhy they always get hurt … why they can’t get a guy to perpetrate. The common thread in most of these cases is that these women are choosing men who clearly are not husbandor even relationshipmaterial and hoping that by some chance the men will abruptly transform into the knights in shining armor they want. This type of situation doesn’t exist anywhere aside from cheesy romantic comedies. If you choose to pursue a relationship with a guy who clearly isn’t relationship material, then you’re setting yourself up to fail before you even begin.
Trust me, I know all too well how seducing those injury examples can be. Sure, “hes having” emotional issues, he’s jaded, he’s struggling at work, he has no direction, he still acts like a frat son even though his acting-like-a-drunk-idiot-and-getting-away-with-it days expired years ago, but there’s a really great guy underneath all that and as soon as we deal with all this other stuff, then we’ll have an amazing relationship. I’m sorry, but no.
The problem with these damage cases is that they often have a lot of the qualities we want, but not the ones we actually need. There is a big difference between wants and requires when it comes to relationships, but it’s not always easy to induce the distinction. You might want a guy who is tall and strapping and charismatic and a CEO of a major company, but a guy with those credentials might have a host of other qualities that arent good for you and dont fulfill your fundamental emotional needs. My husband is the opposite of the “ideal man” I had envisioned for myself, but even though he doesn’t have certain qualities I used to consider requirements, he is exactly what I need. That was clear to me and everyone around me very early into our relationship.
When I reached that stage in life where I realized I was done dating for the sake of dating and wanted to settle down and find” the one ,” I realized that the kinds of guys I liked to date weren’t inevitably husband material, and I had to really examine my list of wants and needs and figure out the differences between the two. Doing so made all the difference. Suddenly the damage lawsuits who were once oh so appealing did nothing for me.
Whether you’re single, dating, or in a serious relationship, these are the most essential qualities you need to look for in a human, the ones that tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s the one and this is it.
He loves your good qualities and accepts and embraces the bad without making you feel guilty for having flaws. You don’t need to hide your true self from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will
induce him feel even closer to you. You don’t need to hide your true ego from him and put on a front in order to be what you think he wants. You can share your true self and be vulnerable and feel safe doing so, knowing that if anything it will
induce him feel even closer to you. He is there for you when you need him, even if it’s inconvenient for him. A partnership will sometimes require sacrifice and compromise. Life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the storm with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine. A partnership will sometimes involve sacrifice and compromise. Life is unpredictable and unexpected. You can’t predict what will happen and nothing can possibly go as planned 100% of the time. A guy who is husband material will be there for you when you need him. He will be in it with you; he will be your partner in whatever happens and will weather the cyclone with you, even though he might prefer to stay in the sunshine. He considers you when making decisions, both big and small. A relationship is a partnership , not a tyranny. Factoring you in shows that he respects you and that he wants to create a life with you , not simply envelope you in his world. Our worlds can be comfortable when we dont have to compromise, so it’s not always easy taking someone else into account and factoring in their wants and needs and predilections, but that’s what a relationship is. He is growth oriented. No one is perfect; we all have flaws. And these flaws aren’t black and whiteusually a person’s greatest strength is linked to his greatest weakness. In a relationship, his behavior affects you( and vice versa) and sometimes his less developed traits will have a negative impact on you. A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say its your problem and that this is just the style he is and you need to deal with it. For instance, let’s say you’re dating a guy who can be insensitive at times. Maybe he doesn’t give you emotional support when you’ve had a rough day and instead merely gives you matter of fact advice in a direct way. His no-nonsense approach to solving problems might be useful to him in the workplace, but it might be hurtful to you sometimes when he doesn’t empathize with what you’re going through and instead just tells you what to do about it, or gets impatient by the fact that you’re upset over something he doesn’t consider to be that big of a deal. You want a guy who will accept that his tone can come across as harsh and hurtful to you and who actually tries to work on it , not one who says it’s your problem and you need to deal with it. He likely won’t get it right every time, but if he’s growth oriented he will at least try. No one is perfect; we all have flaws. And these flaws aren’t black and whiteusually a person’s greatest strength is linked to his greatest weakness. In a relationship, his behavior affects you( and vice versa) and sometimes his less developed traits will have a negative impact on you. A growth-oriented guy will want to work to strengthen his character. A guy who isn’t growth oriented will say its your problem and that this is just the route he is and you need to deal with it. He has similar notions and values. This one seems so obvious yet it’s so often overlooked. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major obstacles ahead. If he is going to be their own lives partner, you have to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand( and vice versa) and that youre both willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling understanding about your changes. Everyone’s values are different. For some, their values will be rooted in religion. Other people value a strong work ethic, while some value a commitment to a healthy lifestyle. It may sound trivial, but I’ve seen very serious, long-term relationships end because person or persons couldn’t deal with the other’s absence of aspiration or motive. This one seems so obvious yet it’s so often overlooked. Love does not in fact conquer all. If you are not fundamentally compatible, you will face major hurdles ahead. If he is going to be their own lives partner, you have to make sure you are both on the same page when it comes to issues that matter. And if you aren’t on the same page, then make sure he respects where you stand( and vice versa) and that youre both willing to work together to reach a mutually fulfilling understanding about your differences. He views you as his partner. The relationship is something more than each of you individually … together, you and he are a team. And as that squad, you are both individually stronger than you could be on your own. He watches you as his equal, as a person of great value, person he can grow with. Not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, or be there exclusively to satisfy his needs. He respects everything about youyour thoughts, aspirations, sentiments, the things you say, the company you maintain, your job. He doesn’t make you feel bad about your life circumstances and he appreciates the person or persons you are and the choices you have stimulated. The relationship is something more than each of you separately … together, you and he are a squad. And as that squad, you are both individually stronger than you could be on your own. He considers you as his equal, as a person of great value, someone he can grow with. Not someone who is there to feed his ego, give him validation, be his emotional crutch, or be there exclusively to satisfy his needs. He wants to stimulate you happy. One of a men most fundamental required in a relationship is to stimulate his daughter happy. It may not always feel like it or look like it, but its true. In order to truly bond with a woman, a man needs to feel like he can make her happy. And when a man genuinely cares for a woman, he wants to do whatever it takes to induce her happy. Love is a altruistic thing. If you love people because they attain “youre feeling” great about yourself, then it isnt real love. When a human presents he genuinely cares about you and your happiness, even if it sometimes arrives at the expense of his own happiness, then you know his feelings are for real. One of a humen most fundamental required in a relationship is to build his girl happy. It may not always feel like it or look like it, but its true. In order to genuinelies bond with a woman, a human needs to feel like he can stimulate her happy. And when a human truly cares for a woman, he wants to do whatever it takes to make her happy. Love is a selfless thing. If you love people because they make you feel great about yourself, then it isnt real love. When a human indicates he genuinely cares about you and your happiness, even if it sometimes comes at the expense of his own happiness, then you know his feelings are for real. He communicates with you, even about tough issues and even if one of you is upset with the other. With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for fear of rocking the barge. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be fights, miscommunications, arguments, and also periods when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only route to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication. With the right guy, you won’t be afraid of bringing up certain things for anxiety of rocking the barge. You know he respects you and will see what you have to say as valid and important. Every relationship will face its share of obstacles. There will be opposes, miscommunications, arguments, and also hours when one partner isn’t feeling loved. The only way to emerge from the tough times better and stronger is to work through them together, and this starts with open communication. He wants the same kind of commitment you want. A guy can have all the qualities on this list, but if he doesn’t want to marry you( or commit in the way you want ), or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not for you. When a guy is ready to get married and gratifies a girl he thinks he can expend his life with, he knows fairly early on. That’s not to say hell get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too. Maybe he tells her or maybe it’s so obvious he doesn’t even need to. It might be the wrong hour, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career or more financially stable, but he will still communicate his level of commitment; she won’t be left dangle and think and wondering. If he still feels like he has wild oats to sow and is drawn to the single, bachelor, party-boy lifestyle, he is not commitment minded and you are setting yourself up for letdown. If what you want is a serious, lasting commitment, make sure he is on the same page before you become invested. When a guy is ready for a serious commitment, it’s usually pretty obvious. And if it isn’t, then bringing it up and discuss it with him. If he’s spouse material, he’ll understand. If he isn’t then at the least now you know before it’s too late! And yes, I understand that not every woman induces getting married a goal and I respect that. But Im speaking to those who want a lasting commitment, be it marriage or a partnership without a legal piece of paper. A guy can have all the qualities on this list, but if he doesn’t want to marry you( or perpetrate in the way you want ), or maybe doesn’t want to get married in general, then he is not for you. When a guy is ready to get married and meets a girl he thinks he can spend their own lives with, he knows fairly early on. That’s not to say hell get engaged right away, but he knows this is it and she knows it too. Maybe he tells her or maybe it’s so obvious he doesn’t even need to. It might be the wrong day, maybe he wants to wait until he’s more established in his career or more financially stable, but he will still communicate his level of commitment; she won’t be left hang and guessing and wondering.