Relationships are always hot and heavy in the beginning. But at some point, most people in long-term relationships experience a lull in the bedroom. The good news, besides the fact that you’re not alone? It’s not likely to last eternally, said Chris Maxwell Rose, a Bay Area sex educator .~ ATAGEND
“Knowing that it won’t last eternally can take a lot of the pressure and rancour out of the situation and allow you to appreciate other parts of your relationship more fully, ” she told HuffPost.
If and when you do want to revive your sex life, you need to make a plan for doing so. Below, Rose and other experts share eight tips-off for heating things up in the bedroom.
1. Talk about it, even if it feels awkward to bring up.
If you want to get back to having sex, you’re going to have to bring up the elephant in the room: Tell your partner you’re unhappy with your sex life and want things to change. The important thing must therefore be real with one another and gauge whether or not your S.O. feels similarly, told Angela Skurtu, a St. Louis-based therapist .~ ATAGEND
“Have a direct conversation about what you each are willing to do to rebuild your sexuality life, ” she told. “You need to both agree that you are unhappy with the quality and frequency and be willing to commit day and energy into rebuilding it.”
If one of you is perfectly content with your lackluster sex life, you may need to see a therapist, Skurtu said.
2. Flirt shamelessly.
If at this phase, you can count the number of hours you’ve held hands in the past year, it’s n ot a good thing. Once you’ve had the conversation above, flirting with your spouse is the best way to demonstrate that you mean business about having sex again, told Skurtu.
“Talk to your partner about what styles of flirting you find exciting as well — ‘I like it when you kiss me randomly and then go do something else. It leaves me wanting more! ‘” Skurtu offered as two examples. “You can also send flirty text, simply start to be playful again.”
3. Don’t wait for your partner — go solo.
Just because sexuality with your partner is infrequent doesn’t mean you’re not a sexual person. Masturbating more often is one of the most liberating moves you can stimulate during this sexless period, said Bay Area sexuality educator Charlotte Mia Rose.
“Everyone has an individual sexuality that is theirs alone, that can then be shared with a partner, ” she told. “If your partner’s libido is gone, you can still have a rich and active sexuality life! This is a revolutionary way to think about sex in a couples-obsessed culture and it runs style beyond masturbation: You can enjoy all of the sensual pleasures of life, get into the best shape of your life and otherwise enjoy being in your body.”
In the end, the more you “cultivate your own sexuality, the more you’ll have to offer your partner when they are ready to reconnect, ” she said.
4. Engrave out some time for a weekly sexuality date.
Scheduling time for sex may sound supremely unsexy but hey, desperate times call for desperate measures. When you and your partner have made your stride again, you’ll think back lovingly on your days of Google calendar-suggested sex.
“If you haven’t had intercourse for a very long time, don’t think that you can hop in bed now and get right on that, ” told Tammy Nelson, a sex therapist and the author of Getting the Sexuality You Want. “With a sex date on the calendar, you are more likely to plan out what you can do to make it fun, different and exciting.”
5. Hug and touch on a regular basis.
Bringing sexy back isn’t going to happen overnight, but it helps to remember that making a connection doesn’t have to be an all or nothing bargain. Start with a massage or simply touching and run your style up to sexuality, said sex lecturer Chris Maxwell Rose.
“Affectionate touch is just as important to the health of a relationship as passionate sex, ” she explained. “Even if you aren’t having sexuality, try to add more casual affection into your days; long hugs, kissing and cuddling are all wonderful ways to express your love.”
Take baby steps at first, Rose added: “Aim for at least one long hug( at least 20 seconds or longer to trigger the release of oxytocin) or cuddling session a day.”
6. Revisit your sex highlightings as a couple.
You don’t want to dwell on the past ( of course things were hotter in the beginning) but revisiting the highlighting reel of your sex life may remind your spouse what you two are missing, Skurtu said.
“Start from the beginning and should be specified: ‘You recollect when we were on that hike in the timbers and we ended up having sexuality? ‘” Skurtu told. “Go through old sexuality narratives play by play and talking here how it felt for each of you during those experiences. This skill going to be able to couples begin to feel that old trigger together.”
7. If something feels good, go with it.
You may have had certain preferences back in the day. As you re-approach sexuality again, give yourself permission to experiment with whatever arrives naturally and feelings right to you both, Nelson said. It may help you get out of your rut.
“If you eat ravioli every night of the week for year after year, wouldn’t you be totally sick of ravioli? ” she said. “Try something new. You aren’t going to have sex if you’ve been together for a very long time and sexuality has become boring or mundane.”
8. Romance each other.
Aside from sexuality dates, make a plan to go on actual dates, Skurtu said.
“Go on a classic long walking on the beach, dress up sexy for one another or illuminated a fire at home, ” she said. “The key is to put some attempt into the time you spend with your spouse.”
And if your date night turns into a sex night, only consider it a bonus. 😉
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